Friday, December 28, 2007

I've got the blues, the reds and the pinks

I love that line from J Geils Band - "Love Stinks".

I've been feeling down for the past couple of days, and was before the trip as well. I just remembered something this morning - the last time I was at the Dr. we talked a bit about my depression, and he mentioned that I might have a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder - I love that the TLA for that is SAD.

Maybe I just need more sun. Yeah, that big yellow thing that only occassionaly decides to show up somewhere on the ceiling of that big room (that used to be blue, but somebody must have painted it grey lately, and is more often than not black) that I have to go through between work and home.

I think I've heard of this mythical thing called sun before. I seem to remember it being warm as well (and that is something I'm not all that familiar with any more.) I swear since I lost the weight my hands are always cold, and I'm in general cold now. I lost my frickin' insulation is what happened.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

"Move that Bus!!!"

Ok, time for the big reveal. People have asked me for a while for a before picture of me when I was fat, and I had a hard time finding one, because I hate to have my picture taken. I used to have a small weight problem, and I got rid of that. But I still have a small ugly problem, and no amount of weight loss helps with that.

I was digging through a bunch of old pictures, and found one of back when my oldest son graduated from high school, which would be May of 2006. And then the Body Shop (the workout facility at work - everything there has car themes) picked me as the member of the month for January (that and two bucks will get me a cup of coffee), and they want a picture. So I had Diane take a picture, and I guess I have them both.

So here they are. First about three months before I started Weight Watchers - I'm not sure how big I was then, but I wasn't trying to diet at all at that point, so I was probably higher than when I started WW at 252.

Now time to "Move that Bus" - or my big fat ass in this case. This one was actually taken earlier this evening (not quite my lowest weight (I am struggling with maintenance), but close to it).

Friday, December 14, 2007

Keeping Accountable

I went to my first meeting as a lifetime member of weight watchers this week - weighed in at 169.4. It was interesting that when I got my sticker it had set my goal weight 1 lb lower than it was (at 171), but I'll life with it.

So I'm done for December. I have to weigh in once a month to remain free - I figure it will be late January before I head back, what with the trip to see my daughter coming up next week, then Christmas.

What I've found is that I have to be very careful, or I quickly get out of control. I'm mixed about food journalling (and counting points) - I see the value in it but don't want to have to do it for the rest of my life. I want to get to the point of just eating reasonably, working out, and staying where I need to. But that remains to be seen if I can do that or not. It didn't work over Thanksgiving, but then that is also a once a year exceptional time.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Holiday Letter, 2007 Version

December 5th, 2007

Once more a warm Christmas greeting to all our friends, family, in-laws, out-laws, and the person that seems to stay on our address list forever, even though no one knows who they are (kind of like old luggage);

Wow, has it been another year already? Why, it seems that just 12 short months ago Diane was twisting my arm to write up our adventures here in the Ohio wilderness to share with everyone. It does seem that each year civilization comes creeping ever closer – why it only takes two weeks now for letters to get back and forth from here to Utah! I know, that is simply amazing and hard to believe what they can do in this day and age!
Yet again, or biggest family event was to load up the magic mini-van and head out on that fabled expedition sung of by the bards of old – the Road Trip!!! This year we outdid ourselves (and our gas budget) making a huge round trip to Missouri and Minnesota. We started out visiting the annual Carter family reunion/ It is amazing, based on the sign that mom had me help hang up (and I swear, I had nothing to do with making it) that we were still getting together in the year 20008! Then up to Minnesota to visit some wonderful friends and relatives (this time on the other side of the Brady-bunch wannabe’s that we have become!).
In June Diane and I completed the last parent seminar and are officially Key holders! We have learned a lot about ourselves and our family attending these, and the experience has been invaluable. In 2008 we hope to be able to send the boys to a summer camp that includes these seminars as well, as they are truly something everyone can use.
I am still working at Reynolds and Reynolds, and not all the changes that have been made here have been bad. It is always challenging adapting to change, and this past year at work they have been pretty big, but things do seem to be settling down here now, and while not the perfect job, they are definitely trying to keep me around. I am still the treasurer of the Band Boosters, and I figure they just like having me around to pay for things and carry heavy items (kind of like being married there), though learning about filing tax returns for a non profit organization this summer was simply more fun than should be legal. I continue to paint and play with toy soldiers in my basement, winning several more awards this summer and fall. To top off the year, I hit my goal of losing 82 lbs in October, and have officially become a lifetime member of Weight Watchers (though Diane says I’m too skinny now).
Diane is still enjoying her career as a realtor, hitting a record number of sales with almost 25 homes sold (and not all of them were to the same guy either!). Unfortunately, most of these were very low priced homes, usually under $10,000, but a sale is a sale. She has become the co-chair for the Equal Opportunity Committee of the Dayton Board of Realtors, and is also writing the newsletters for both the Women’s Council of Realtors and the Band Boosters (yet she still makes me write the Christmas letter – go figure!).
Becky’s last year at St. Kate’s is going very well, and she is not only active in her American Sign Language club, but she also had the opportunity to staff a conference in San Francisco this past spring. Unfortunately due to scheduling conflicts she is no longer a nanny, and is back working hard at the Hilton, trying to find cheap rooms for her parents. She has a new boyfriend Lou, a chef teaching at Le Cordon Bleu in Minneapolis, and we look forward to meeting him soon.
Jon is enjoying this second year at Bowling Green University, and has switched his major from Education to Art, to hopefully pursue a career in 3-D graphics. He has discovered the joy of regular (if not full time) employment, even when it means giving up some of his regular family vacations because of job conflicts. This fall with our help he purchased his first car, and we hope that by the time you read this he will actually have a license to drive it.
Katlyn recently had big news at Cross Creek Manor in Utah, achieving level 4! This means much more responsibility, and also has earned her first off-grounds pass in the more than two years she has been there. She doesn’t know it, but Diane and I are flying out to see her the weekend before Christmas. She changed therapists at the beginning of the year, and with her 18th birthday rapidly approaching next summer, she has finally started to work this program, and she really wants to graduate from there and return home in June.
Erik is a still in the marching band as a sophomore in West Carrollton High School, and also enjoys the pep and jazz bands, so much so that he lamented the end of marching season, claiming that his life was now over. He is keeping his grades up, and is even occasionally finding something challenging in school. The most frightening thing is he will soon be getting his drivers permit!
Matthew is in 8th grade, and this fall helped out a lot with the marching band, and is looking forward to joining it in the summer. He has just switched Boy Scout troops to a much bigger one, looking for more challenges, and received his Star rank in September. He is also doing well in school.
Scout is thriving in his role as the ruler of the house, and has managed to sleep through pretty much every day. He continues to protect the back yard from all the varmints, joggers and other dogs walking buy, as has the neighbor trained quite well to give him treats on demand.
As we look forward to 2008, there just doesn’t seem to be enough time for all the events happening. Grandma and Grandpa’s 50th wedding anniversary in April, Becky’s graduation in May, Katlyn’s graduation in June (hopefully) are just the beginning – as I look at the calendar nearly all my vacation is already used up and the year hasn’t even started yet.
As the holiday season is once more upon us, we wish everyone a wonderful Christmas, and a joyous and prosperous New Year. And this time I’ll actually get the old Irish blessings right.

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind always be at your back
May the sun shin warm upon your face
The rains fall soft upon your fields
And, until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Erik, Becky, Scout, Matt, and Jon at Thanksgiving

Mike, Diane, Becky, Jon, Katlyn, Erik, Matthew and Scout

Monday, December 03, 2007

Time flies

Wow! Is it December already? I'm having a hard time getting my mind around that.

But then the christmas tree is up and Thanksgiving is over, so it must be time for Christmas.

This weekend was fun. My work had their first EVER adult christmas party (take your mind out of the gutter (why is it that we no longer have a word to denote those things that aren't open to children, but aren't x-rated (which adult seems to imply) or for retired (as in mature)?), and it was actually a lot of fun. I heard that over 2400 people RSVP'd for it, and of course there were always more showing up.

There weren't enough tables (by at least half), but we did get one, which is good because Diane can't stand that long with her knees lately. The big draw of course (aside from the huge amount of food and open bar) was the Beach Boys, and they were great. I even got a decent picture of Mike Love on my cell phone:

Of course they are old enough to be the Beach Bums now, but we were right up front and had a great time.

Of course I get on the scale this morning, and I'm up seven lbs - so time to actively get back to counting everything - I've been real lax about it and this weekend it really caught up with me. I figure a large part is just the awareness.

I've made the analogy that weight watcher's points are like money, and I don't like spending them and wasting them. But when I'm not counting it is like going on a cruise or staying at a Disney resort, where everything is put on your room key - it all adds up without you realizing it.

Now I know most of this is 'temporay' weight (i.e. just a normal fluctuation), but if I let it get away from me now then it won't be temporary, and will just keep fluctuating up.

As for WW - I got my lifetime number this weekend - it was fairly disappointing that a number is all it was. They also ended up changing my goal on it (down a pound), but not worth bothering over. It is funny how on the monthly pass they can send out a card every month, but can't be bothered to send a permanent card to lifetime members. And the letter says I'll have to fill out yet another form, plus they sent me a job application.

For the job (which I'm not planning on doing) I was expecting this - I think it is standard for nearly everyone who makes lifetime, especially those of us who fit in the 'results not typical' category (and at 80+ (ok, not today, but you know what I mean) lbs lost I guess I do go there).

One other bit of news - I got a (cheap, cheesy) plaque at work last week as part of the department 'Exemplary Project Recognition' for being part of a project team. The girl (it just doesn't sound right to say woman, though I know it is probably sexist, but then again I am almost old enough to be her father (actually technically I am, but I'm thinking more along the lines of the kids I do have) who sits next to me go the 'Rising Star' award for the department. I told her to bask in the glory of her award, as that was all she was going to get! I was also nominated for the company wide 'Consistent Performer' award (with about 100 others it seems, out of about 2000+ people) but didn't get it (nor did I expect to).

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


by poor customer service. Weight Watchers has been having an issue lately with their PDA application - Weight Watchers On-The-Go, an app to track your points on your PDA, as well as calculate food and exercise points. One of the requirements however is to synch up with their servers to both upload your information (so you can see and edit it on their site) as well as download any new data (i.e. new food point values).

Well the synch for this has been broken for about a month now, and it isn't just me. All sorts of people, with a huge variety of PDA's (all running Palm-OS) and versions of windows are all having issues.

Me, I'm just about fed up. To the point I was thinking about writing my own app to do simple point tracking, though I did find another freeware app that does it, and I am just trying to learn and get used to it.

So why is this important? Because so far I can't seem to do very well without tracking my points - this morning I weighed in at home at 172.0 - still in my goal range (actually exactly at goal), but up 3 lbs in 2 weeks - not good at all. And it isn't just Thanksgiving, which was bad enough, but everything else, and I seem to want to just blow it all over the place when it comes to eating. You think that after a friggin' year (14 months!) new and better habits would be ingrained, and while they are to some extent, I still find myself not stopping when I've had enough, and just munching when I'm not really hungry.

So time to keep tracking - and to learn this new program. Plus I do still have a bit of a belly (that is where most of my fat goes anyway), so it wouldn't hurt to drop another five pounds or so. The thought always occurs to me to go for the big gold ring for my keychain - the 100 lb award. But that would put me at 152 - and I don't think I have that much to spare. So that isn't realistic. Even though this program sets my 'ideal' weight at 160, which isn't that far off.

On a happier note, today at work we had our first annual departmental awards, and I got recognition as part of a team on a big project. Only a cheap (i.e. a printed certificate tacked to a fake board with a thin piece of plexiglass) plaque (c'mon - show me the love - the $$$$ kind!) but it was something.

On friday we have the company wide awards - and I was nominated for a "Consistent Performer" award - this would be for people who would be nominated for "Employee of the year" on an annual basis. I doubt I will get it, but I do have to be recognized for being nominated (which I apparently was by my vice-president - not bad).

Thursday, November 15, 2007

I did it!

After 14 1/2 months. 83.8 (down 1.6 last night) lbs (to 169.0). I made lifetime at Weight Watchers.

Maybe now I can 'relax' a bit - not abandoning what I've gained and learned, but quit stressing about it all the time.

I've actually noticed a little loose skin - that will probably never go away. I'd still like to lose a bit around my middle, but that is where the loose skin is anyway, so how much would it really be noticed?

One thing I wonder about is how much I still need to track everything - can I maintain without that regimine?

At least I did it before Thanksgiving - the annual celebration of gluttony and football! I don't have to weigh in again until December - and I can decide when I want to (so if things look bad I can wait a bit and work on it myself). I figure weigh in before Christmas would be good, and then maybe late January. :-)

The big question now is what will I post about? I'll actually have to use two brain cells at once and think a bit. :-)

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

why do I do this to myself?

I guess it is like picking at a scab - you know it is bad but you can't seem to stop. Maybe this is what addiction is like.

I need to throw out the scale. As of this morning I'm down two pounds from last weeks weigh in - this after being up over 5 this weekend. WTF!?! *ARGHHHHHHH*

I know I won't get rid of the scale, but this big of fluctuations drives me insane. Especially here at the end - it feels like tomorrow is all that matters in this entire journey, and I know it isn't.

I've got myself worried because while I can work out tomorrow, it won't be right before I go weigh in - and that is breaking my pattern, which isn't comfortable for me.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Right before the finish line

and I feel like I'm about to blow it.

Next week I should make Lifetime at Weight Watchers. And it seems like this week I can't stop shoving things into my mouth!!! This morning I was up over 5 lbs on the scale at home since Wednesday! It is like all the discipline that I developed over the past 15 months has gone out the window, with one week to go!

Now that isn't really correct - I have a lifetime to go and not be fat again. The past three weekends I have felt like I've completely blown any type of control, but still didn't come out too badly from it. But now I won't have any extra points for the weekend already, and we are going to a cook-out (or cook-in) at my boss's on Sunday as well.

I need to make sure I get workouts in (I've been slacking off on that as well), and maybe duct tape this gaping hole in my face SHUT!!! *sigh*

At some point this should be a bit easier, but it doesn't seem to be. I just feel tired, and want to not be worrying about it all the fricking time.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

by a thread

but still hanging on. Weight was up half a pound this week, and I feel like I need to start being a bit more careful - or I'm going to lose all the progress I've made.

I really haven't been able to get my mind wrapped around work at all this week - I just seem to feel tired and like I'd rather be absoutely anywhere else than here.

Friday, November 02, 2007


Stress: The confusion caused when the mind overrides the bodies basic desire to choke the living shit out of someone that desperately needs it.

I've been feeling a lot of stress lately, from many different directions.

Last weekend I flew out to Colorado to see my Mom for her 70th birthday. She was surprised and cried (I shoot, I score, I win!!!) That was nice. Going to lunch with my 82 year old aunt - much less so. She lives in her own worls, and is so surprised when any and everyone does not cater exactly to what she wants. I felt a lot of stress about that, and just traveling in general.

Work is causing a tremendous amount - getting the new employee handbook with all the new changes (losing 2 holidays, changes to sick time policy, etc).

Having people who seem to be not doing their jobs, and avoiding them, causes me a lot of stress. Especially when that is a volunteer position, and others are depending on it. Lots and lots of stress there.

The band boosters had to cancel tonights Blues Brothers concert, because the students didn't get out and sell tickets.

I went out at lunch today and bought a laptop for doing the band booster stuff. I'm feeling very frustrated about it as well - but that is because I have this new toy sitting in my trunk that I can't play with :-)

My weigh in this week, amazingly enough after feeling like I blew it completely all weekend, was dead even again - still hanging at 170.0, 82.8 lbs down, for the third week in a row. Two more weeks until lifetime.

Days like today I really feel like I have a very, very serious drinking problem - I don't do nearly enough of it!!!!! Not by a long shot.

Yes, I'm feeling quite a bit of stress. All stressed out and no one to choke!

Friday, October 26, 2007


Weighed in this week. 170.0 again - exactly what I should be. It is a bit of a challenge to wrap my mind around the maintain mind set instead of losing, and I'm a bit frustrated that the on-line weight watchers site has a problem and won't let me correctly adjust my points, but I'll live with it.

What I don't like is that both pairs of brand new jeans I bought are loose. My dockers for work are fine, but the jeans are not. Stupid friggin' pants. Now I don't want them tight - I like the 'comfort' or 'loose' fit, but I want them to fit, and not be all gathered up under my belt. And I just bought these damn things. Am I going to have to go down to a 32" waist before I'm done? Granted, I'd like to get rid of the last bit of belly I still have left, but that isn't really a priority for me. I mean, I made it, I want to relax for a bit and enjoy it.

The other problem is exercise - I have not been very good about it this week, skipping it three times. On Monday and Tuesday things came up around lunch, and I just blew it off with excuses. And Diane wants to go to lunch on Friday, so I'm not even bringing my workout clothes.

Getting Busy

The days are getting shorter, so it is time to hunker down and do something fun - which for me is spending time modelling and painting. I'm working on a new Vampire Counts army - based on the Grateful Dead. I have a lot of ideas for it.

I will show one picture (a work in progress) - that one drunk chick that takes off her shirt and waves it at the band - undead style:

I won't get into them here - instead you can check out my NEW website - - Yes I finally got off my butt and bought my own domain. I like to put up pictures of my mini's - and get so tired of running out of space. So I bought a hosting plan from GoDaddy - and have 5 Gig of space (which is 16600 % more space than I had before on the three free accounts I was using). Of courst that means I have to re-write all my website, but it is started.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Tournament Pics from last week

You can check them all out at, but here are the pics of my stuff at the tournament last weekend.

Da Mailboxes against dwarf slayers, with da UPS Boyz coming around the flag.

Some really ugly guy in a silly green t-shirt starting the game. That shirt at one time actually fit even - know it kind of hangs on me. Beware the glare coming off that huge bald head!

Da Mailboxes, and the Air mail units next to them.

Playing Marc Morales of the Olde World Warriors from Toledo - one of the most fun guys to constantly kick my butt. His furies were converted spiders to be huge bees - really cool. These guys do a great job putting on the Origins tournament.

Against Jason's undead. The only other local besides Matt and I - and someone I have never had a problem beating. Kind of like the Bronco's and the Brown's. The Bronco's always seem to win, even when they play like crap.

Da Mailboxes & UPS Boyz against Plague Riders of Nurgle. They managed to wipe them out, which surprised both of us, though not as much as how well the squig hoppers did. A very fun game, and it was much closer than the final score indicated (even though I lost, I did much better than I thought I would - I hate chaos demons!)

Half way through that fight - you can see the demons are going down!

Just keep rolling high!

Da UPS Boyz, with Undeliverable the giant in the back, and the Special Delivery unit (Squig Hoppers) off to the side. You can barely see the air mail unit to the right.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

2 down, 4 more to go

And I'm at 170 - down 1.6. The main thing is getting back the half I went up last week. Which I really think is all due to splurging a bit the night before weigh in. Of course this means I should add a point per day, but the on-line tracking system which downloads to my palm doesn't do this automatically, and the point quiz has been broken for months now - so I can't do it myself. What concerns me more is not 'not getting' the point, but losing one next week as well.

What gets me more wondering is if I can maintain without tracking everything, or if I'll blow it. I think I might have a fighting chance. Take last night - after weigh in I couldn't decide what to eat. Diane was out, the boys had already eaten. I really didn't want fast foot, or Subway (since I'd had it the night before anyway). So I ended up at DLM and picked up some sushi, since Diane is always talking about getting some there for lunch. Very low points.

It got even with me though - it was the absolute WORST sushi I have ever eaten. The rice wasn't much more than a thick white paste, and the fish had no taste at all. Even the eel wasn't very good, and I so love eel. So after I got home I ate some of the leftover popcorn from Monday.

Ok - another question? Why are we so compelled to eat crap that is sitting there - when we would never order or fix it ourselves?

Time to enjoy my huge Honeycrisp apple from lunch.

Monday, October 15, 2007

They like me. They really like me.

Wow. I went to the Marauder's Mayhem this weekend, and it was probably the best Warhammer tournament I've ever been at. The tables and terrain weren't as nice as what the Olde World Warriors do every year for Origins, but the players were top notch, and I probably enjoyed myself more than any other tournament. So many times I get competitive, and when I do I don't enjoy myself. I finished with a 2-3-0 record, which is fine. The final game was really good, and was much closer than the final score looked.

Then the amazing part. I won the Generals Choice award. I know I'm a decent painter. I paint to look good on the table, and for the army to look good as a whole. I like doing different themes, and having things tied together. But to be voted on as the best among all the other armies, really humbles me. It was the best I could have hoped for, really. I've always said that my goal was to have an army that people wanted to see, liked, and maybe made them smile a bit. I guess I did it. It does still blow me away, because techically some of the paint jobs etc were, I felt, so far superior to mine. The nurgle demons that were all giant maggots - truly awesome looking (and were my first choice for best army).

Then to top it off, I got 2nd for Sportsmanship - and my sportsmanship score was tied with the winner! So I managed to have both a good looking army, and be a fun opponent as well. Wow! I remember years ago going to the GT and getting very low sportsmanship scores. So I was really happy there as well.

I still feel like I'm just an ok modeller/painter, but I guess I'm not giving myself quite enough credit. Winning best appearance at Origins, Overall at GenCon based on my appearance, and now General's Choice - I guess I'm slightly better than ok.

Now to get started on the Grateful Undead!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


With age comes wisdom. Except sometimes age comes alone.

43. Middle aged. To my kids just a little younger than dirt.

I felt old when I had stories that could start "20 years ago" - but that was itself years ago.

The one bit of irony (and yes, I know I am misusing the term, but I don't know any other way to put it) is that I am probably in the best physical shape I've ever been, in my entire life. When I was a kid I was skinny. I've always sucked at sports, and never enjoyed them. I did play basketball one year in Junior High (what, 30 years ago) and I sucked big time - never made a basket in a game the entire year. I tried track once, thinking I might be ok at sprinting - but couldn't run the mile to warm up that was required (and why would I need to be able to run a mile if I'm competing in a 100 yd dash?). Plus they expected (this in 8th grade) everyone to already know what they were doing - and have all the expensive cleats etc. needed. So that lasted a week.

Most week days I do an hour on the elliptical, sometimes a little more. (My goal every day is to do 1000 calories on the machine - and call it 10 pts on my diet.) I didn't yesterday, but it was a pretty crappy day at work and since I went out for lunch (raw fish - yummy!) I couldn't get away to work out (and thus blew the diet). I could probably run a mile now - if you could get me to run that is. I don't see any reason to run - unless somebody were chasing me.

Of course weigh in is tonight - we'll see what happens there. I talk about blowing my diet - but I doubt that I really did. It is a bit of a challenge to go from the losing weight mentality to maintaining.

The point is I hate birthdays, and I'm at least glad this one is over.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

He Shoots, He Scores!!!!

Done. Yes, after over a year. 81.8 lbs lost. 171.0. Goal of 172. So I did it. I made goal. Got the gold star and everything. Woohoo. Now I can go and buy some pants that fit (figure 34 waist time).

So maintenance starts - with 4 more points per day. However I realized last night that it may be a bigger challenge than I thought - because I usually don't eat all my activity points every day anyway - so adding 4 more means I still may not be. Hmmm. Going from dieting to not may not be as simple as I expected.

Six weeks to lifetime - so I have to be under 174 all the way through Nov 13. I should make lifetime right before Thanksgiving - at least I can eat more then.

One of the interesting points is you actually adjust your points quite a bit more on maintenance now - so I have no idea what my 'stable' point values will end up being.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Getting so damn close

A good weigh in last night - down 2.2. That hit the 80 lbs dead on the nose. Got my 7th gold star. I did ask about the goal, and it comes down to a range - between 145 and 172 - so I have .8 lbs to go to goal - I'm at 172.8. I have to be 172 or under. I still may try to get a little less, I still dont' like this gut all that much, though it is far less than it was.

I have to admit, I did the liquid all day yesterday, because I didn't like the scale in the morning at home - it was 176.4. This morning it was 175.0. I find the fluctuations very, VERY frustrating. Which is why I'm going to go on a bit beyond my goal (not much mind you), but just so that even with the fluctuations things look good. I'd also like it to this good at the dr when I can't remove absolutely everything from my pockets, shoes, etc.

The best news is that I'm not longer morbidly obese. I'm no longer obese. I'm no longer overweight. I'm no longer fat (though that is not an official category). My BMI is now 24.8 - which is the normal range.

So try to stay on track for the next week, and plan to hit goal next week. Eventually figure out maintenance, and hit lifetime with weight watchers, and KEEP IT!!!! Plus once I hit goal then I do need some new pants (and probably undewear) - most of mine are 4" too big in the waist, and the best are still 2" too much.

At one point I had my goal at under 200, 38" waist. I'm down to a 34", and 172.8 right now. I do have to dig out my 44" pants to see just how big they are, for fun.

Thursday, September 20, 2007


Any change results in stress. (Well, except for my favorite definition of stress : The confusion caused by the mind overriding the body's basic desire to choke the living s### out of somebody who desperately needs it.) Even good changes cause stress.

What happens though, when we avoid making the changes to avoid the stress (along with the fear of the unknown)? I've found that in most cases, it makes things worse, not better.

This isn't my first blog. The first one I did was on my web site, and was lost when earthlink screwed up and de-activated my account, wiping it out. One of the first entries I had done there was about the impact that my son crossing over from cub scouts had on me - more so the fact that I was his cub scout den leader for four years, and then suddenly wasn't. It was hard for me. I enjoyed working with the boys, and I enjoyed the fellowship of the other leaders.

The proper thing to do is to accept the change, and move on with it. I didn't. I didn't want the good feelings I got to end. So I stuck with the pack. I stayed on the pack committee, I stayed as the advancement chairman, I stayed as the pack webmaster. That was almost three years ago.

Looking back, staying on was a mistake. I was trying to keep something, and that wasn't going to happen. The first year was ok, going to the committee meetings and the occassional pack meeting, doing the work, tracking the information. Then another blue and gold rolled around, and more of the adults and kids I knew left. Like I should have done, but didn't. I missed them, but they new to move on with their lives.

The next year wasn't so good. There was no joy in it anymore for me. I did the work, because I said I would. I prepared for it to end (I had to rehost the website away from my personal space, so that someone else could take it over. I didn't do it right, as I still own the space, but it is not my personal space (it is now hosted by but it will be easier to move it once the current hosting plan expires).

I was staying on for one person, but eventually I realized that I couldn't do it for her anymore. I had lost everything that made it worthwhile to me. I didn't know any of the kids anymore - all the ones I knew had moved on. I barely knew any of the adults, and honestly, some of the new ones I didn't like. At the blue & gold last year, I worked my butt off to help serve and clean up (and ended up sick as a dog afterward - though I hope it wasn't related) being the very last one to eat - and by the time I did a lot of the food was gone (there was no chicken left at all). But the hardest part was my son and I had no place for us - we were outsiders. I should have been at a leader table, but there was none. Almost nobody there knew who we were. And I never feel more alone than I do in a crowd where I don't know anybody.

It is interesting to me to see how it had gone from something I had so enjoyed, to a source of pain. Not only did I not belong, but afterward, I found that I no longer cared.

So close to three years after I should have left, I finally did. It was hard acknowledging the fact that I no longer had the time or inclination to help out. I've found time is an interesting thing - you can always find the time for those things you care about, and can never find the time for those things you don't. Looking at emails that I had not done anything about for four months made me realize it was time to move on.

So I'm no longer associated with Cub Scout Pack 840 out of West Carrollton Ohio. I have a bag of stuff to give the cubmaster, and once I give that to her, then I won't have much to do with them except add an occassional email address (since I made the godaddy account under my name), until that expires, when they can host it somewhere else.

I tried to avoid the discomfort of leaving, only to create much more, deeper, and worse discomfort for myself. The last year with the pack was not enjoyable for me at all, and now that it is done all I feel is relief and thankfulness. Much the same way as when my grandmother died after many years in a nursing home, unable to remember anybody (including her own daughter, my mother). Any grief I had over that was long gone, sucked up by the pain of watching her linger on, the pain in my mother's face of not having her own mother know who she was, so that when she finally did die, it was a relief. So with this, it is a relief.

This is a pattern in my life. My first marriage was the same way. There is a very good chance I'm living the pattern again right now in my current job as well.

I'm down another pound this week. This also has me thinking a bit. My stated goal weight is 172. However what does it mean to hit that - is it 172.8 (total of 80 lbs lost)? That rounds to 173. Is it 172.4 - when it rounds to 172? Is it 172.0? Or should it be 167 (which is the high point for my real height - I used to say I was 5' 11" - but measuring myself without shoes there is no way - I'm lucky to be 5' 10"). Then there is also the idea of getting down another 25 lbs - get a gold ring and new magnet - hit that magic 100 lb mark (though getting to 152 doesn't seem realistic to me).
What I'm hoping is to get real close, then blow past my goal weight (ideally that would be 2 lbs next week, then more than a pound the week after, or even a little slower - the idea of hitting my goal on my birthday is kind of appealing for some reason).

Thursday, September 13, 2007

a bit frustrated

Down .2. And I thought I had a good week. It is very frustrating to me to be close to a goal, and it seems to get that much harder the closer you get.

A lot of other crap going on, wth work and the boosters, but I can't talk about it in public.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Still not so good

So my brain has stopped turning to snot, and is now instead draining down my throat, causing me to cough a lot. I still don't feel very good, but slightly better. At least I seem to be able to breathe again.

I was up .2 last night - *sigh*. Of course, I get up this morning and on my home scale I'm down a pound. So just keep plugging. It is a bit more challenging being so close to goal however. One thing - I can't remember seeing anybody in my Wednesday night session make goal or lifetime. I have to wonder how rare that really is. I know I am now in the 'results not typical' category - but then that isn't the way I feel.

I guess it feels to me like if I can do it, then anybody can do it. I know it isn't easy - heck everybody will have setbacks (if I didn't have a few then I would have been at goal two months ago), but you just keep going. This is the same thing that makes me wonder why my daughter is having so many problems trying to work her program.

I'm not a Nike fan, but the idea of "Just Do It!" has always been part of me. Sometimes it is hard, and sometimes even harder to get started, but the key is to just do what you have to do. Sure there are excuses, but that is all they are, not obstacles.

Ok, time to crawl back in my hole now.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Feeling crappy

We went to a really fun party on Saturday. It was client of Diane's who has since become her friend (she is like that - always getting very personable with everyone - which makes up for my complete and utter lack of any personality :-) ).

We had way too much really good food, way way too much really good drink, and went swimming outside (for me) the only time this summer.

Since then I've felt like crap. Sunday was expected, but I'm still all stuffed up, and my brain is slowing morphing into phlegm and trying to slip quietly out of my nose - and doing everything it can to prevent me from actually getting a breath while it does this.

I don't know if it was something in the pool, going in the second time after dark when it was only about 70 outside (too cool to really be swimming), my lowered resistance due to the overabundance of alcohol, or just a coincidence.

Of course it doesn't help that I've had to work on the band booster taxes all weekend either (and boy does that suck the big one). Quite a bit more difficult than personal taxes. I guess this is what I get for trying to be the treasurer when I'm a simple programmer instead of a friggin number crunching account. I do find it humorous that I changed the way I track things in the budget after the first year because I wanted to see things a bit clearer - and find that I need that to do the taxes. Of course trying to go back a year and retro-fit it is just about impossible. *ARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!*

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Good Weigh-in this week

Better than I expected, for once. Down 3.8 - to 176.0. So I zoomed past the 75 lbs mark to 76.8. That actually puts me in spitting distance of my goal weight - kind of hard to imagine for me. I got a 75 lb magnet, plus they have started giving these rings for the key chain every 25 lbs, so I got the pewter for 25, bronze for 50 and silver for 75. In a way it makes me want to keep going just to get the gold one at 100 - but that is not realistic.

Nice to have something positive going on for once (see my other blog).

Monday, August 27, 2007

da blues

even da greys and da pinks.

I don't want to repeat myself, though my boys tell me that I do it anyway constantly.

A few years ago, I reluctantly admitted I had a problem. And no, it wasn't my weight, that took even longer to accept (and is causing it's own confusion, now that I've almost lost all of it). It was the fact that I had depression, and would have it for the rest of my life. It is a chronic condition, but it is not a constant one for me. I have various bouts, some much worse than others. I've found medication that helps when I get into a serious episode.

I don't like it when it happens. I don't like having to go on Welbutrin for six to nine months to get my head on straight. But I accept that it has helped in the past, and I will have to go on it again in the future.

The real question right now is, is it time? Last week was really rough, and it didn't take me too long to spot it. Feeling down, and having an extremely short temper. It it funny, but when I have an episode it isn't so much that I feel depressed, but that I seem to lose control of my emotions, especially the negative ones (i.e. anger, sadness, etc.)

I know I felt this a while back, and by the time I could get into the Dr. I was on an upswing again. I'm facing that now. Today is ok. I have a headache - but that is due to the guy working on the tile downstairs, and the constant hammering on the metal chisel for over three hours - that chink chink chink went right to my neck.

One thing I know I have to do is keep busy - if I'm doing something then I don't have time to sit and stew in my own juices (no matter how tender and succulent that makes me - but then the marbeling is going away as well - so does that mean I need to stew longer to be tender?) and brooding on it just makes it worse.

Exercise is supposed to be good for you - I don't know if it helps or not - I've been doing that pretty constant for months now.

For now I have to take it day by day / hour by hour and see.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

tic, tic, tic

Down a tic. Which makes it an even 73 lbs, to 179.8. 7 lbs to go. I was a bit disappointed, as I thought with all the walking at GenCon (something like 28 miles in 5 days) and working out each morning (an hour thr-sat, 45 minutes on sun) that I'd do a bit better (I lost 3 lbs over Origins), but then when I got back I wasn't quite so good again. But down is down.

Monday, August 20, 2007


Had a good time at GenCon.

The highlight was winning the Warhammer tournament - my first full win. It was with my revamped Orc & Goblin army, and I think it was based on the strength of my painting / composition / theme / sportsmanship score, as I lost big time to the guy who got 'Best General' (he managed to get 51 out of 54 battle points, while I think I was more like 37 battle points (with a 2-1 record, including a big time loss to him).

I kind of enjoyed running events, though it sucked big time in the slots where no one showed up. I don't think I want to do 8:00 am slots again - they are just such a pain to get up and run (though they were the best attended - so what does that say?) And running 6 times in one day wasn't great either.

I think I'm dropping Confrontation however, even after all the time, effort and money I've invested in it. I just am not excited about the new direction the game and company are taking. It may play quicker and easier, and even be a better game. But the hobby is what I enjoy and want to spend my money on - because frankly I just don't get to play ANY games as much as I want - and they are now a game company, not a hobby company.

I don't know if I would part it the minis I have. I also don't know if I will finish painting them either. It seems a bit of a waste really.

What does concern me is the 'rumor' that GW is going pre-painted in the future as well. The source of this is a competitor however, and I just don't want to believe it.

I really enjoyed the response I got to my army this weekend. I'm excited about doing my new one, and the way people have responded when I talk about it. I kind of think it is a bit funny - I'd almost have preferred to win "Best Appearance / Painted" this past weekend - I really want to see the score breakdowns. I want to play, and have fun playing, but this is my creative outlet.


Wednesday, August 15, 2007

losing, and gaining

Down 1.2 to a total of 72.8 this week to 180.0. My goal is still 172 (172.8 will be an even 80 lbs for me). So things are looking good. I leave this afternoon to head up to GenCon - a big gaming convention in Indianapolis - and I'll be walking my butt off (hopefully) there - I sure did at Origins in July, so next week should be good.

This is getting a bit more challenging as I get closer to goal - just the idea of geting that close is pretty daunting in a way.

In a more humorous note, Diane says that Dr. Oz is definitely right, and she was/is extremely pleased. For that reader who is confused, check out the Oprah Winfrey archives. *Warning - this is only for those who realize that we are human beings (often difficult to picture for parents, scout leaders, adults, etc.) (i.e. I know my kids read this occasionally - so research that reference at your own risk :-) ).

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I'm an idiot

I'm an idiot. Period. Dumb as a rock, at least at times.

This ties into Tuesday's post. I go to weigh in. Now yo know I feel crappy about this week. It is driving me nuts, I seem to have fluxuated about 9 lbs (at the Body Shop, our workout facility at work, I was about 179 on Saturday morning after working out - and on Monday night at home I was 188) during the week - and it was driving me crazy. That along with knowing that I wasn't great on my diet.

So I was bad yesterday. I did something I shouldn't have, period. I didn't eat solid food all day before weighing in. Now I usually have a slimfast shake every morning for breakfast. Some people will say this is horrible, but I just hate spending a lot of points first thing in the morning when I'm not really hungry anyway. I figure it is fairly nutritionally balanced, and helps me from getting too hungry before lunch. But I was bad and that was all I had for lunch as well. I know that isn't good, and I won't do it again this next week, but I was feeling so crappy about things.

I worked out for an hour as usual before hand, then went to WW. This time I actually took two bottles of water, as well as two snacks (some of the WW Honey Mustard Pretzel thins, and a Fiber One bar) as well, because by the time 6:00 pm rolled around I was pretty darn hungry. Thinking back, what I needed was an apple.

I sign in, hit the head, and from no line there is suddenly six people in front of me. (And yes, I'm dragging this out - just to build that dramatic tension and keep you on the edge of your seat dear reader :-) ). I finally get up there, and I'm frigging down a pound. Down. A. Pound. WTF?!?

Don't get me wrong, this is a good thing. But I can't get it to make any sense in my head. In fact it is fairly frustrating to me, this inconsistency and bouncing all the time. It bugs me - for quite a while when I got up in the morning and checked my weight, it would be almost dead on what it would be that evening at weigh in. But the past two weeks I've been several pounds less at weigh in than in the morning - but then the next day etc I still show up. I have to wonder if my scale is accurate or not. (What I really need to do is bring it in, and do a direct comparison between it and the 'official' one.)

Of course, I also need to stay off the damn thing most of the day, so I won't drive myself even crazier than I normally am.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I need to stop doing this to myself

The beatings will continue until morale improves. The problem is I'm the one beating myself up. Over something that hasn't happened yet. I haven't even weighed in tomorrow, and I'm already knocking myself about the head and shoulders (metaphorically or course, stay with me here) for it. Friday night I had too much beer, bourbon, wings, onion rings, chips and even a few fries. But when I worked out on Saturday things looked really good. But I was out of points and Sunday I went over, and then again yesterday I didn't work out (I made plenty of excuses), and once again grabbed that handful of pretzel thins (after going to the chinese buffet, where I tried to be reasonably good, but did it really matter?).

This morning, my home scale showed me up 4 lbs! I haven't done that bad since I went on vacation and didn't even attempt the diet or exercise for 10 days.

Part of me doesn't want to weigh in this week - I get so demoralized when I'm up. I did go and do an hour on the elliptical today, and will do an hour tomorrow before weigh in. So I'll try to pound in some water - drinking a lot of water always seems to make a big difference (and getting up to pee in the middle of the night usually means I'm down more in the morning as well).

But why do keep doing this to myself? I just am so caught up in that one number, and that should not define who I am or how well I'm doing. It needs to be about how my clothes are fitting (down 8 inches in my waist size, and those are a little loose as well; most of my shirts just kind of hang on me); how I look (apparently good, as I keep getting comments about how much I've lost (one guy at the gym today was saying how I looked thinner every time he sees me)) (no comments from the peanut gallery about my looks either - I reserve those to myself); how I feel (pretty good actually).


Thursday, August 02, 2007

The Incredible Shrinking Man

Down 3.0 lbs this week, which isn't too bad :-). Got two more gold stars - a 5 lb one and my 6th big one (for 70 lbs down). Total of 70.6 now.

I'm having self-images issues again. I see the numbers, but I can't translate them to anything. Last night, after my workout, for giggles, I picked up two 35 lb dumbells. *SHIT* No way. No fricking way! I can't grok it. They were heavy as hell. I just can see where I was carrying that around all the time. Sure, Diane said that it is a bit different when it is all over vs. picking it up off the ground - but still.

It was interesting - I had a woman at the Body Shop (which is the workout facility here at work - everything is named after 'car' stuff) comment on how much better I looked lately - and I can't remember if I had ever talked to her before - and barely even remember seeing her. I guess that is pretty cool as well.

So when does this quit being a big deal anyway? Or should it ever?

Monday, July 30, 2007

Pimping for a friend

Well more exactly a friend of a friend - actually a friend of my wife (who should count as my friend, shouldn't she?) Anyway, Ann is a neat kid (and it is scary that I'm almost old enough to be her father) and a good friend to Diane, who is setting off on a grand adventure - so check it out : My So Called French Life

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

keep checking in.

I haven't been writing much, but I am going to keep checking in at least after weighing in. This week I'm down .6 to 185.2. I have definitely noticed that it is getting more difficult the more I lose. My goal is 172 (technically 172.8 - as that is 80 lbs I'll have lost). Diane says I'm loosing too much, and even when I go to weigh in they constantly remind me that I can change my goal with a doctor's note. But for now I'm going to keep it the same. I still have a bit of a gut that I want gone, and I like the idea of losing at least 75, if not 80.

This weekend we had a good time - Diane and I went up to Kelly's Island in Lake Erie to meet up with our keys family. It was a lot of fun - but I really blew the diet - so I feel pretty good that I still lost half a pound after eating way too much on Saturday.

Of course, tonight is family night at my youngest's boy scout camp, and they always do pizza. I just have to remember - whatever happens at camp stays ON MY ASS!!!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

holding steady

I haven't been updating much lately, but I won't go into the excuses here.

Weigh in this week was holding steady at 185.8 - same as last week (darn it). Still leaves me 13 lbs to goal. They keep reminding me that I can get a doctor's note to set my goal higher - but I'm not real sure I want to. Doing that makes me feel a bit like cheating and giving up - making it easier because I can't do it. Beyond that I'm still not happy with my gut - it isn't what it was, but it is still more than I want. I don't really care about washboard abs, but I want a pretty flat stomach for once in my life.

I've gone to 150 crunches to help (I hope) when I work out. I just want it to be done - I'm not feeling much motivation any more.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Everything at once

Why does it seem that everything comes at once? It has been incredibly busy for all of June, but at least things seem to have slowed down, though a third of July is already gone!

I spent a lot of time getting things ready for Origins. I ran my event, and even though I only had three people play I think they had fun. I have 9 signed up at GenCon, so it should go much better there.

I also won "Best Appearance" for my Ogres at the RTT on Saturday. Then on the way out of the hall I was talking to one of the other players, and when I mentioned my "mail" goblins, he was surprised they were mine - apparently he had seen pictures and heard about them on the net, though he hadn't seen my site and I haven't played them in almost three years! Those two things really blew me away - the award and having my reputation out there like that. Pretty cool.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Some days I just don't understand it

Had the weekly weigh-in last night, after missing last week because of my vacation, and the week before being up 1.6. (As an aside, if I ever do get to lifetime and quit worrying constantly about this, what am I going to write about?)

Vacation was nice, but not so good on the points. In fact, it started off really bad. Like all my flex points on the first day (Hog Jowls at Lambert's Cafe' in Sikeston MO). And then did I take care after that - of course not. In fact, I got so discouraged that I flat out quit tracking altogether for the second week. I did step on a scale at Diane's brother's house - it said I was up a little, but it is really hard to know unless you are consistently using the same - and especially since it wasn't digital, it was all kind of guessing.

I did work out most days, at least up until the end. The last few I just didn't feel like it and got lazy.

So anyway, I weigh in. They base me on what I was two weeks ago, of course. And I'm down .2! How in the hell did that happen? I was eating way too much, and a lot of not so good stuff (though I did try to get in the occasional apple, and grab veggies when I could).

So now is time to get back on track. Of course we have keys this weekend. That means 6 hours in the car to Chicago, with Diane bringing out the snacks tomorrow, plus eating out all weekend up there. The hotel options are basically a salad - which has never been very appealing. (Their appetizer platter (wings, potato skins, nachoes) is pretty good however - but not on points). I will try to exercise there, and we will probably continue the liquid breakfast (it just sucks so bad to spend so many points first thing in the morning, when I'm usually not even that hungry). So just make sure I take some apples for drive up and back and avoid the crap, and with luck it will be ok.

But then comes tonight - we have free box seats for a Dayton Dragons game that Diane won. Including food, but no booze allowed (oh darn - whatever shall I do :-) ). But what will the food probably be - chips, hotdogs, burgers. So that is the key, to avoid blowing my points tonight so I have them for the weekend.

I do wish this would get easier at some point.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Tired of moving

2400 driving miles makes for a long vacation, no matter how you do it.

I'm glad to be home, in my own bed.

It was nice seeing family and friends.

I'm not looking forward to driving back to Chicago on Friday, though the seminar should be good.

And, of course, all the ideas I had to write about all vanish when I actually sit down.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

stupid scale!

This is really bugging me. Tuesday in the morning I'm down 3 lbs. Yesterday morning I'm up two. Five freaking pounds difference in one freaking day! WTF?!?
So I weigh in - up 1.6 - got the point back. And I deserved it, really. Between the pizza, chips, the chocolate covered strawberry and apple slice (which I never did count on Tuesday) and the few extra I spent then anyway I was well over my point total for the week. So I can understand being up.

But why did it look so good on Tuesday morning? If it hadn't looked good, I would have tried to be better Tuesday night (not had the ice cream (lowfat) sandwich), or the chips). Tried to keep the points down more.

Just me being stupid I guess.

And tomorrow we leave for vacation - first to SE Missouri for my family reunion, then up to Minnesota to visit Diane's family.

Speaking of family - it has been four years today that I got re-married - looking forward to the next forty.

And eight years tomorrow that the divorce was final. That seems so much longer ago. Hard to believe that it hasn't been ten years since she kicked me out of the house (it will be in January of '08).

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I'm just a giver

Or an attempted giver. I got a call yesterday - apparently I'm a match for a kid in the local children's hospital with leukemia, so they asked for a white cell donation. I had to go get some pills last night to boost my white cell count, but no big deal.

I get there at 8:00 am, and of course they have problems, so much so that after getting stuck 4 times they send me home, unable to get a donation.

The first stick was for the return in my right arm - and they couldn't get it flowing at all and then hit a nerve (burning pain shooting up my arm - and this was the highlight). When they pulled it out there was a bit of 'flesh' stuck in the end of the needle - joy! So they tried again by the wrist - this just hurt going in, but then worked without being uncomfortable.

Then the left arm for the delivery, which looked easy. But the first poke didn't do it, and I started to bruise after she dug around in my arm a bit (that is always such fun). Unfortunately they have to go there, they can't use the wrist like the return. So another nurse tried again, and once more it started to bruise immediately. So they stopped. After an hour and a half, 6 vials of blood to test from the return tube - and no donation.

I can deal with the pain of getting stuck multiple times, and missing a couple hours of work - I just hate to do that and end up where they don't get a donation - or worse when I was there for nearly three hours and they had to stop because it was taking too long - and couldn't use what they had gotten.

And of course I had to give up my workout for this as well - hate to be pumping away at the elliptical and have my arm start spurting - that would be a bit rude!

Then Diane calls and gives me a box of HUGE chocolate covered strawberries and apples from Edible Arrangements just to throw off my diet. It was a really sweet anniversary present (four years tomorrow) - but of course we had agreed not to get anything for each other. I had an apple and strawberry, but gave the rest away, so as to attempt to stay somewhere in the vicinity of my diet.

Which brings up another point (which, if I have so many things to spew out, why aren't I updating more often?) as well. This week, point wise, has been pretty crappy. I haven't been good at all. First was Friday night playing D&D with the boys and their friends (no, I won't bore you telling you about my character (a 4th level Vaneran Favored Soul (2) / Sorcerer (2), complete with monkey familiar, who, once I get enough ranks in Knowledge(Religion) will become a mystic Theurge - spitting a huge amount of spells a day), but we had pizza for dinner - and a 'reasonable' serving of pizza just doesn't even touch it for me. So used way too many points.

Then Saturday night we went to a surprise birthday party for a friend / co-worker of Diane at a local bowling alley. We don't bowl (Diane can't with her torn Meniscus in her knee, and I wasn't going to leave her sitting by herself) and we ended up with the pretzels and chips sitting in front of us, just begging - nay DEMANDING to be eaten.

Of course Sunday we were already planning ribs - so I made some sweet, juicy, wonderful barbecue ribs. But all my weekly points were far gone. I ate them (well too many for my points) anyway, so I'm actually 7.5 points OVER this week - a bad thing.

But this morning when I weigh myself (a bad thing, I know), I'm down, and down good. Like 3 lbs or more. WTF!?! We'll see what happens tomorrow night, following my usual routine.

Ok, I'll shut up for now!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Down a pound, down a point

Ah yes, yet another disincentive to losing weight. Actually I have been expecting this for several weeks - apparently the point calculator rounds, so I kept the point for two extra weeks, but not that I'm down to 188.6 it is definitely gone.

"You are doing great - so eat less and work out harder just to keep going!"

Oh, and your clothes are all loose and baggy and you look crappy in them, so you get to go spend more money buying new ones.

Even my shoes are loose. I decided to grow a brain yesterday, and figured why not wear sandals for weigh in to make it easier to take them off. So I put my old ones in my gym bag, didn't think about it. Put them on after my workout and they almost fell off. I had to tighten all the straps because my feet were skinnier :-)!

I must be looking better though, because the woman at registration was asking about my goal, and suggesting that their goal ranges were a bit low for men, and I could get a doctor's note to set a goal above their range.

So I guess I'm really doing well (64.2 lbs down, 15.8 to go!). However I don't think I want to change my goal - I like the idea of not being overweight, even based on the unrealistic BMI insurance tables (i.e. getting a BMI under 25). Right now it is 26.2. To get to the 'normal weight range' I need to be under 179, and 172 is actually at 24. This being down from 35.2 when I started. Not only that, but I like the 'round number' of 80 lbs lost, though 75 would be a good number as well.

Part of me is simply stubborn - I set a goal, which when I set it was the maximum allowed by the program, and I don't want to change it to make it easier. I still have a bit of a gut, and feel a bit flabby in my thighs. I don't know if I'll ever have six-pack abs (instead of the current 12 pack I'm carrying around), but I want to get it as flat as I can, even when I'm sitting.

Right now it is just keep working at it. I'm concerned about my upcoming vacation and what it will do to my weight loss as well. I so remember the Hog Jowls Dad has a Lambert's - and anything there is going to really be hard to fit in (what with all the pass-arounds etc.) And I know the reunion will be a fish fry and barbecue. And it will be really hard to get good workouts in.

I'm less worried about the other times I'm taking vacation - the game conventions and seminars. I can work out on the seminar (I did it before), and at the conventions (if I'm not too lazy) - but also at Origins I can do a lot of Subway, and probably something similar at GenCon.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Keeping that nasty ego under control

Oh, those overpowering delusions of adequacy! Oh that fleeting illusion of competence.

This past weekend Jon and I attended the 1st annual Buckey Battles Independant GT, and I got my butt kicked, but good. I was in dead last until the last game, which I managed then to massacre my opponent (due to some very unlucky die rolls for him), which kept me from being in dead last.

I tied for third for the painting / appearance, which is cool, though I have a hard time believeing I deserve that high of a ranking.

It is amazing how many people still remember my goblin army after it being in mothballs for over two years - I guess I do need to bring it back out - maybe by GenCon when I have a bit more time to rebase it and add a few new units (yes, maybe even Orcs as UPS Boyz), spider riders as web mail, and at least squig hoppers if not a squig herd as well. I just don't know what would make a good list, as so many things I used before are now gone. Probably even have to make a Orc Postmastr Genr'l just for the leadership.

So the UGPS may become the OGPS Orc & Gobbo Postal Service.


Thursday, May 24, 2007

tic, tic, tic

Down a tic (.2 lbs) - as fine as their scale goes. At least it wasn't up.

Had a busy day, though not like I would have wanted. Having a real hard time lately getting movitated about work and I need to break myself out of this.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A Complimentary Insult

Or an insulting compliment.

My group at works tends to take a daily break around 2:30 or 3:00 for a quick walk down to the convience store located in building 2 (I'm in building 1). Some people buy a snack, and we often stop by the credit union when people need to, but a lot of us (me included) just do this as a break and a walk.

Yesterday, one of the women looked at me and said that I needed to break down and buy new pants - I looked like I was wearing my older brother's hand-me-downs. Not because of patches or anything - they were simply too big for me.

I guess it is time to get some 36" pants, though the other pair I wear aren't quite as loose (it would be nice if the same size on the label was actually the same size in the clothes). But even these are a bit loose, though not as bad as my others. I just hate spending money on clothes though - especially by outgrowing (or undergrowing or whatever, you know what I mean) them. I have three pair of dockers, 2 pair of jeans and 2 pair of shorts - all are at best loose - the jeans and one pair of dockers are really loose, as are the shorts. And one pair of the shorts I think I've only worn once. CRAP!!! I guess I just bought them too early, anticipating good weather that we didn't get in April.

As of last week I have 17 lbs to goal. I don't know if that will put me in even smaller pants or not. I thought 38 was a reasonable goal, but I still have a bit of a gut that I really want gone, and still feel flabby in my thighs, butt, gut and arms.

Then Diane says last night that she thinks I'm losing too much weight. That I need to slow down or stop. Or exercise less. Talk about support - nice to have that behind me dragging me back from my goal. I'm not planning on it though - I set this goal and I'm going to keep working until I get there and stay there. I want to get to the point where I'm not overweight on anybody's tables, period.

Of course I get up this morning and am .2 up from last week - so it may be a bad weigh in today as well. It does seem that what I weigh myself at home in the morning is very close to what I do at WW that evening (the difference is at home I'm not wearing anything).

This is also frustrating, because I thought I had a really good week. I'm actually under points (had 10 flex left) for the week - even after really pigging out on ribs on Sunday. And I dread this weekend as well because of the tournament - Friday night through Sunday away from home screwing up my diet - though I will try to exercise at the hotel on Sat & Sun morning before Jon and I head out.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Where did he go?

I feel a little like that old Looney Toon - the one where the sheep dog is looking for Bugs (I think) and keeps looking around saying "Where did he go? Where did he go?"

Me, I haven't gone anywhere - I'm just lazy. Or have very little to say - but then that usually hasn't stopped me before, so I'm not sure why it is now. I have noticed that I seem to experience these little slumps in my life, where I'm just not that talkative. Then I get bursts where I actually try and write something. Like that life story stuff - yes I do need to get back to that and keep it going.

So since I have nothing worth saying, I'll instead put in a humorous email I just received from my wife for all to enjoy. It does make me think that I need to find a collection of Winston Churchill's quotes. Enjoy.


"He has
all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little
person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read
many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that
might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does
he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll
waste no time reading it."
-- Moses

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea
of any man I know."
-- Abraham

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this
wasn't it."
-- Groucho

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it."
-- Mark

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
-- Oscar

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new
play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second... if there is one."
-- Winston
Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's
almost like having you here."
-- Stephen

"He is a self-made man and worships his
-- John

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S.

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness
in others."
-- Samuel

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run
-- Paul Keating

had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't
-- Jack E.

"He has the attention span of a lightning
-- Robert

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from
the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas
Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his
Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston (about Richard

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always
yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to
-- Bette

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without
any address on it?"
-- Mark

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the
-- Mae

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever
they go."
-- Oscar

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses
lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van
Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Actually still here

and still alive, though not very talkative (or would that be writative? Is that even a word?) lately. I've been extremely busy both at work and off, and very little end (at least outside of work) is in site. It is almost summer, and this summer is stacking up to be incredibly active.

Weigh in last night was down 1.2 - so got back all I went up, though just barely. The surprising thing, for me at least, was I didn't lose a point yet - but I expect that is probably because it rounds to the nearest pound for the calculation - so with a good week I definitely will lose one next time.

This now puts me 17 lbs from goal - having lost 63. My pants are starting to feel a bit loose again - so I'm on target as I expect to have to buy one smaller size before I'm done (I'm figuring a 36" waist). This would make a total of 8" I will have dropped from my waist when all is told. I have no idea how many other inches I would also be down, as I don't have any kind of measurements anywhere but how my pants fit. But it doesn't sound good for me to say that I've lost 8" out of my pants, does it?

So what has my schedule been? Monday evenings is my keys family call. Tuesday was the levy vote, and I'm glad that is overwith. Plus a middle school concert. Wednesday is Weight Watchers every week, and a high school orchestra concert. Thursday my youngest had the iniatiation for National Junior Honor Society. Friday is now my game night with the boys. Saturday was the Confrontation tournament (took 5th - very middle of the road). Sunday was Mother's day. Monday was a booster meeting, which took 3 fricking hours! Yesterday was weigh in and dinner with Diane. Tonight Matt gets his ERA award, Friday is game night, Saturday I'm giving blood, Sunday I have a cub committee meeting, Monday is Erik's ERA awards, Tuesday is the band awards (and I have to have account status information in Monday night for that), Wednesday is WW, and then on Friday Jon and I head up for the GT in Columbus for the weekend.

I still have a huge amount of work to do to get ready for the events I'm running for Origins and GenCon - I really need to spend a day building game boards for that.

And actually try to work once in a while. Plus summer vacation, our trip to the family reunion and minnesota is coming waay too fast.

I need to find time to just breate a little bit.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I hate it when I'm right

Up a pound. Like I expected. And then we went to the chinese buffet for dinner, and at home I sucumbed to temptation and ate the last of the cookies from the middle school band concert as well.

Time to get back on it.

In other news, the school levy passed - so that is a big relief. There is still a lot of talk going on about it, and what should / should not also be done. Same person causing me stress before. I've also talked to other people about him, and he seems to cause stress for them in other areas as well. Just great!

Me, I look at things like this and think that if you don't like the system, then you need to change it. If you don't like the school board policy - you need to change the school board - and the only way to do that is to change the people on the board - meaning someone else has to run.

My brother-in-law did that in New Jersey. He got so upset about how the school board was running that he got himself elected to it to change things. There is a part of me saying that perhaps I should actually step up as well. No no piggie, that's not fear, that's excitement. God what would I be doing to myself there?

I have suggested that this person run for the board, since he is so adamant about his ideas and what needs to be done - and I really doubt he would be willing to step up and put his money where his mouth is. In addition, I'm not so sure I'd vote for him either.

But I best banish these thoughts before they grow any more and I start actually looking at it.

Monday, May 07, 2007

short lived victory

Or so it seems to be shaping up. 4 lbs on Wednesday. However I've noticed that I've been nowhere near that since I weighed in, neither in the mornings or evening. By quite a bit - meaning several pounds. I'm wondering if the reason it seemed so high was a simple fluke of some sort - but now, like all of those little items that just seem to be too much good luck, it comes crashing down - and paying it back is always much worse than any benefit you originally thought you gained.

Like when you are mistakenely refunded a bill - that is great. Until they correct the mistake - and take the money back - and it is always much harder when they take it back than any benefit you got when they gave it in the first place.

I really expect a bad week this week - I have a hard time picturing how I'll lose over two more pounds by Wednesday as compared to this morning. I can't think of any place I've skipped or fudged points either. It seemed to be too good to be true - and was. But dealing with going up is so much worse than not having gone down as much - it will really suck.

What I do wish is that it would even out at some point - it seems that no matter what I do every week is a surprise, good or bad. I can't seem to find a steady grove and just stay there, where it is a constant (or at least near it) loss - it always seems to be out of my control and jumping around a bunch.

Of course what is worse is last week should have been bad - what with KFC on Saturday, Ribs on Sunday and steak on Monday - and then actually going over my points because I miscalculated Monday's lunch (I didn't realize the nutritional info they posted was for 1/2 a wrap at first).

Lots of victim talk and feelings today. bleah!!!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Down 4

to 190 - for a total of 62.8. Hard for me to believe I'm now less than 20 lbs from my goal - though I'm also wondering if that is what I truly want or if it should be lower. I want to get rid of this gut - when I look in a mirror that is still mostly what I see. 17.2 to go. I also got my 'new' 16 week award - of course I actually earned it before but they didn't back date them.

Diane has stopped WW and gone with LA Weight Loss - so it will be interesting to see if she sticks with this one now or no.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

And then there were 12, or 13, or whatever

But I'm not one of them. With that it is over and done with. Two and a half hours waiting around again, to not have my name called and I'm done. So where I thought I was stuck in the jury box to listen to a three week case on bingo fraud, I'm instead back at work, back to whatever passes for normality. Anything you still can't deal with is your own problem.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Like a game show

That is what it feels like. I can't say much, but I won (if it can be put that way) the Jury Duty lottery. And to top it off, it is a three week trial. And so far, I seem to be a big winner - got in the box yesterday so I have to go back this afternoon to see if I get the big prize of spending the next three weeks listening to lawyers (isn't there a specific circle of hell where that is the punishment?). I don't mind doing my civic duty, so we'll see.

Of course it is screwing up my workout schedule, as well as going to get Jon from college. Just as I get started lifting weights again (3 times last week) and now I may not be able to do it for the next three weeks. I might try to get to the rec center, but it is always a bit more difficult to do when it is unfamiliar (different machines, don't have my notes (i.e. how much on what) etc.) Yes, it is all excuses, and if I really wanted to get a workout (cardio or weights) in I could.

Tonight we have the budget meeting for the band for next year - oh joy. And it seems to be short as well, which is never a good thing ( though I expect we will get some past due accounts paid up just before band camp, if the levy passes and there is a band camp).

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Still a loser

Though not as big as I'd like. 1.4 this week, putting me at a total of 58.8, down to 194. That leaves 21.2 to go. I was really hoping to hit the big 60 this week, but it was not to be. Maybe next week - what I need to do is to not get hung up on this and just do the program. If you do the program then the weight will come off.

I'm a bit frustrated also because Diane says she is going to stop going to WeightWatchers. I understand that she has to do this for herself, and right now she is just getting very frustrated with it, and isn't working the program. She hasn't actually been working it for some time now, simply going to the meetings. She may try another program, and I'll support her in whatever she does.

She is also frustrated because she has arthritis in her knee, which is keeping her from exercising. Losing weight will really help with that, but while she understands it, she does not grok it. And I can't force that - all I can do is be supportive for her.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Stressed and Frustrated

Stress has been defined as the confusion caused when the mind overrides the bodies desire to choke the living shit out of someone that desperately needs it.

I'm feeling a bit stressed today.

I hate politics. I hate the political process. Everything would be much better if I were dictator of the world for life - and could make all the decisions. But that won't happen, so the next best thing is democracy (or at least the democratic republic we have in the US - it isn't a true democracy, but close enough).

I'm tired of not having candidates that I can support, of being forced to choose between the lesser of two evils. (Which is why I so love the 'Vote Cthulu' bumper stickers - why choose the lesser evil). I'd love to point to someone and say "I want them to be elected."

On May 8th, we have yet another election. This one is actually about something I care about. It is a school levy vote - to provide funding for our schools. I don't like the school board, I don't like the way they are doing it, but I support the schools and don't have a problem paying for them. (It was so much easier when I lived in an apartment - vote yes on every tax on those frickin homeowners!)

The school board says that all extra-curricular activities will be cut if the levy fails. For us this means marching band. This is a big deal for my boys, so I don't want to lose it. So I'm pushing for it to go through - even got a yard sign last week, and worked the car show on Saturday for it. We are also putting out postcards in support of it. If it fails, then minimum is no band camp. It may come back in August, but by then it would be too late for the kids to go.

Today I get an email from someone I know who is against the levy. Actively against it. Campaigning hard again it. I don't know if it is him alone, or if there are more as well. I've talked to him before, and I can respect his differing opinion. I respect a lot of what he has to say, and I'm not sure he is wrong about some of the funding requirements. The web site he put up shows that the schools need a levy next year (so why is he against this one I don't know). What he needs to do is run for school board, so he can put in place the changes he wants.

I don't believe the school board can just say 'never mind' if it fails, and not make the cuts. If they did, then they would lose any credibility at all. So if his side wins, then band camp is gone. And I don't have a good feeling about it, because I don't see much of a push for the levy.

Thus, I am feeling a lot of stress right now.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Keeping busy

It seems there is always something lately.

Saturday was a great example. Knowing we would have a very busy day, we got up real early and decided to try the rebuild Golden Nugget pancake house down the street. Pretty good actually, but I don't think I would ever stand in line for two hours for any pancake place (and yes, people do). In all the time I've been in this part of town, this is my first time there because of the wait. But at 6:30 am on a Saturday there isn't one.

Then have to get Matt to his scout campout by 8. Not a big deal as everyone was up. Until I get home, to find out that no - everyone else went back to bed. grrrrrr

Then Erik had a mandatory meeting for his summer job at 10. So exciting, pretty much the same as when Jon did it a few years ago. I do like that the city provides jobs for teenagers. It may be a fairly blue collar town, but I do like it here.

Then from 2 - 9 Diane and I worked the band booster concession stand at the high school, where they were having a 'Cruise-In' to support the upcoming school levy. Lot of work, but kind of fun. I, being the only male left on the board for the upcoming year, got to do the grilling - which we all know is a man's job *grunt, snort* :-) And then when we finally got home I had an extra hour and a half to count the money and get the deposit ready.

Then Sunday - nothing to do. Sure, had to mow the lawn, and get laundry done (i.e. like every other Sunday) but basically pretty quiet. The highlight was servicing the mower (I changed the blade, (then had to go back to the store to get oil as it all split out during this process), the spark plug, the air filter and oil. Of course the thing gave off some horrible oily smoke for about 5 minutes as it had to burn out all the oil that got in the carburetor . . .)

And today is back at work.

Tomorrow I lift weights again. Because I'm stupid, so stupid I committed to twice a week. At some point you think I'd learn.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Oww, Owww, F*****g Owww!

Tell me again why I’m such a dumb shit? Why do I do this to myself?

I actually lifted weights today. First time in 11 months.

I am already sore in my legs, arms and across my chest.

And it is only going to get worse for the next day or so.

This is supposed to be good for me. Why does everything that is supposed to be good for you SUCK so bad!!!

This is just more proof that there is no intelligent design in the way people are built. If there were, then exercise would be pleasant and feel good, not painful. Chocolate would be good for you, and broccoli and cauliflower would be fattening. But noooo – our ancestors needed to store all the extra calories for the lean times (which were most of them), and fat tastes so good because it keeps them warm and healthy since they are running after their food all the time. We are programmed to eat as much as possible – because our bodies never know when the next meal is going to come from. And extra is stored for later use, instead of flushed away like it would be if we were built for the lives we lead.

I’m going to hate myself in the morning, even more than I do now. And to show how stupid I am, I’m going to make a SMART goal to my keys family to do this to myself twice a week for the next two months.

over analyzing

Trying to kick my brain into the right gear.

Weighed in last night - down 2.0 to 195.4. Good, and right in line with what I should be doing. However I still feel a little disappointed that it wasn't more to make up for last week. That and immediately after being sick I was down close to 5 at home. It is weird (to me at least), but at home I seem to weigh the least on Monday and Friday mornings - and the most on Wednesdays - which is weigh in day of course.

My ideal weigh in would be Friday morning first thing - get up, go work out for an hour, then go weigh in.

Now I realize that it doesn't matter. Changing the date or time or routine for WI only hides a tiny bit, and that only temporarily. Taking off my PDA, iPod, cell phone and keys doesn't make me lose 6" from my pants. (God did that not sound the way I meant). 6" from my waist. And according to Oprah, when I hit 70 lbs lost I'll actually have gained 2" in my pants, but that is something entirely different! :-)

I'm slightly frustrated that this is taking sooo long - I wanted to do the 2/week the whole way through - which would put me at goal in a month - but right now I'm 12 lbs short of doing that, with 22.6 lbs to go. But then I have to ask myself why it matters? The answers aren't what I originally expected.

1) To actually do it. Accomplish the goal. That is good.
2) To be done with this whole thing, so I can eat what I want again. Uh-oh.

It is that second one that I realize scares me. Because I can't ever go back to what I was doing before, or I'll go back to what I was before. That is really the hard part for me to really get into my head - getting past the feeling that this is temporary and will end.

There are things I just won't be eating again. Hamburgers. Especially fast food. I haven't been to McDonald's (for myself at least - we did the get boys breakfast there last week - I didn't get anything - but I do miss Sausage McMuffin w/ egg) since August. Most of the time (with the previous exception) I don't want or miss it - it seems more that it bothers me that I don't miss it. I miss missing it.

We used to hit KFC about every week. I loved it. I haven't had it in months. Almost did last night, but decided to get Long John Silver's instead - and that was a big conflict for a while as well. (I was good - only ate half the fries, half the cole-slaw, didn't eat the hush puppies (I don't really care for dry fried dough) or the crunchies (harder to resist) but I did use up all my AP.) But I don't seem to want it as much. In fact, I'm probably bugging everyone else, because my preference for going out anymore is Subway - and I always get the same thing (which just happens to be 14.5 pts). I just too easily get into a rut of what I know - which is boring to some but makes the diet that much easier.

I talked with Diane about this the other day. I guess what I really want is to not have food be so central to my life - where I'm not always planning or counting or thinking about food. Just be able to eat right on auto-pilot - or at least not have it so central to everything.

So - trying to actually switch gears, at least for the next eight hours - and try to think about work all day at work - for once.

Monday, April 16, 2007

bad (or good) timing

This is frustrating, with a bit of relief. I felt like crap on Friday. Went home, and ended up with a 101 fever all night. So the relief was at least actually being measureably sick. I just hate it when I feel like crap, but all signs are that I'm fine. So at least I was really sick, and still had the fever Saturday night as well, though not as strong.

But WTF!?! Why do I manage to get sick on the fricking weekends? I can't go and get sick during the week, and actually take a day off work now can I. Nooooooo - go and ruin my entire weekend! What the hell is wrong with me? So bad timing for me, good for the company - like they really care.

At least I was feeling better on Sunday, though not 100%. Today is pretty good so far. At least my throat isn't sore any more, which is good.

I actually updated my web page yesterday, taking pictures of my elementals and familiars. Not Golden Demon by any means, but decent table top quality, which is what I'm looking for. Check them out here. I need to get an image for the ones I don't have yet. That is why the image is missing for the familiars of Light, the Elemental of Light and Elemental of Water. Water hasn't been released in English yet, I haven't picked up the Light Familiars (for one because I don't have anything that can use their spells, since I haven't gotten a 'good' army yet), and the Elemental of Light is a $40 box set with another figure (which I also won't ever use). But the collector in me would want it for completeness sake.

I do need to get separate pictures of the Sylvain Animae (I actually have 7 now), as well as pick up some Ira Tenebrae (the darkness immortals), and Sparklings (which come with the Light Elemental as well). And finish the Darkness elemental, as well as the familiars.

If you want to look around the site, I did update the Ophidian characters, Wolfen troops and Fire Eaters Rate units with WIP pictures of S'Ygma, Bregan, the Worg (Waning Moon), Grave Guardian conversion and Thunderlord - none of which are finished. I should have updated Irix the Selene, but the battery ran out on my camera.

Of course I should actually update a bunch of others - but that would mean actually working on them as well :-)