Thursday, August 30, 2007

Good Weigh-in this week

Better than I expected, for once. Down 3.8 - to 176.0. So I zoomed past the 75 lbs mark to 76.8. That actually puts me in spitting distance of my goal weight - kind of hard to imagine for me. I got a 75 lb magnet, plus they have started giving these rings for the key chain every 25 lbs, so I got the pewter for 25, bronze for 50 and silver for 75. In a way it makes me want to keep going just to get the gold one at 100 - but that is not realistic.

Nice to have something positive going on for once (see my other blog).

Monday, August 27, 2007

da blues

even da greys and da pinks.

I don't want to repeat myself, though my boys tell me that I do it anyway constantly.

A few years ago, I reluctantly admitted I had a problem. And no, it wasn't my weight, that took even longer to accept (and is causing it's own confusion, now that I've almost lost all of it). It was the fact that I had depression, and would have it for the rest of my life. It is a chronic condition, but it is not a constant one for me. I have various bouts, some much worse than others. I've found medication that helps when I get into a serious episode.

I don't like it when it happens. I don't like having to go on Welbutrin for six to nine months to get my head on straight. But I accept that it has helped in the past, and I will have to go on it again in the future.

The real question right now is, is it time? Last week was really rough, and it didn't take me too long to spot it. Feeling down, and having an extremely short temper. It it funny, but when I have an episode it isn't so much that I feel depressed, but that I seem to lose control of my emotions, especially the negative ones (i.e. anger, sadness, etc.)

I know I felt this a while back, and by the time I could get into the Dr. I was on an upswing again. I'm facing that now. Today is ok. I have a headache - but that is due to the guy working on the tile downstairs, and the constant hammering on the metal chisel for over three hours - that chink chink chink went right to my neck.

One thing I know I have to do is keep busy - if I'm doing something then I don't have time to sit and stew in my own juices (no matter how tender and succulent that makes me - but then the marbeling is going away as well - so does that mean I need to stew longer to be tender?) and brooding on it just makes it worse.

Exercise is supposed to be good for you - I don't know if it helps or not - I've been doing that pretty constant for months now.

For now I have to take it day by day / hour by hour and see.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

tic, tic, tic

Down a tic. Which makes it an even 73 lbs, to 179.8. 7 lbs to go. I was a bit disappointed, as I thought with all the walking at GenCon (something like 28 miles in 5 days) and working out each morning (an hour thr-sat, 45 minutes on sun) that I'd do a bit better (I lost 3 lbs over Origins), but then when I got back I wasn't quite so good again. But down is down.

Monday, August 20, 2007


Had a good time at GenCon.

The highlight was winning the Warhammer tournament - my first full win. It was with my revamped Orc & Goblin army, and I think it was based on the strength of my painting / composition / theme / sportsmanship score, as I lost big time to the guy who got 'Best General' (he managed to get 51 out of 54 battle points, while I think I was more like 37 battle points (with a 2-1 record, including a big time loss to him).

I kind of enjoyed running events, though it sucked big time in the slots where no one showed up. I don't think I want to do 8:00 am slots again - they are just such a pain to get up and run (though they were the best attended - so what does that say?) And running 6 times in one day wasn't great either.

I think I'm dropping Confrontation however, even after all the time, effort and money I've invested in it. I just am not excited about the new direction the game and company are taking. It may play quicker and easier, and even be a better game. But the hobby is what I enjoy and want to spend my money on - because frankly I just don't get to play ANY games as much as I want - and they are now a game company, not a hobby company.

I don't know if I would part it the minis I have. I also don't know if I will finish painting them either. It seems a bit of a waste really.

What does concern me is the 'rumor' that GW is going pre-painted in the future as well. The source of this is a competitor however, and I just don't want to believe it.

I really enjoyed the response I got to my army this weekend. I'm excited about doing my new one, and the way people have responded when I talk about it. I kind of think it is a bit funny - I'd almost have preferred to win "Best Appearance / Painted" this past weekend - I really want to see the score breakdowns. I want to play, and have fun playing, but this is my creative outlet.


Wednesday, August 15, 2007

losing, and gaining

Down 1.2 to a total of 72.8 this week to 180.0. My goal is still 172 (172.8 will be an even 80 lbs for me). So things are looking good. I leave this afternoon to head up to GenCon - a big gaming convention in Indianapolis - and I'll be walking my butt off (hopefully) there - I sure did at Origins in July, so next week should be good.

This is getting a bit more challenging as I get closer to goal - just the idea of geting that close is pretty daunting in a way.

In a more humorous note, Diane says that Dr. Oz is definitely right, and she was/is extremely pleased. For that reader who is confused, check out the Oprah Winfrey archives. *Warning - this is only for those who realize that we are human beings (often difficult to picture for parents, scout leaders, adults, etc.) (i.e. I know my kids read this occasionally - so research that reference at your own risk :-) ).

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I'm an idiot

I'm an idiot. Period. Dumb as a rock, at least at times.

This ties into Tuesday's post. I go to weigh in. Now yo know I feel crappy about this week. It is driving me nuts, I seem to have fluxuated about 9 lbs (at the Body Shop, our workout facility at work, I was about 179 on Saturday morning after working out - and on Monday night at home I was 188) during the week - and it was driving me crazy. That along with knowing that I wasn't great on my diet.

So I was bad yesterday. I did something I shouldn't have, period. I didn't eat solid food all day before weighing in. Now I usually have a slimfast shake every morning for breakfast. Some people will say this is horrible, but I just hate spending a lot of points first thing in the morning when I'm not really hungry anyway. I figure it is fairly nutritionally balanced, and helps me from getting too hungry before lunch. But I was bad and that was all I had for lunch as well. I know that isn't good, and I won't do it again this next week, but I was feeling so crappy about things.

I worked out for an hour as usual before hand, then went to WW. This time I actually took two bottles of water, as well as two snacks (some of the WW Honey Mustard Pretzel thins, and a Fiber One bar) as well, because by the time 6:00 pm rolled around I was pretty darn hungry. Thinking back, what I needed was an apple.

I sign in, hit the head, and from no line there is suddenly six people in front of me. (And yes, I'm dragging this out - just to build that dramatic tension and keep you on the edge of your seat dear reader :-) ). I finally get up there, and I'm frigging down a pound. Down. A. Pound. WTF?!?

Don't get me wrong, this is a good thing. But I can't get it to make any sense in my head. In fact it is fairly frustrating to me, this inconsistency and bouncing all the time. It bugs me - for quite a while when I got up in the morning and checked my weight, it would be almost dead on what it would be that evening at weigh in. But the past two weeks I've been several pounds less at weigh in than in the morning - but then the next day etc I still show up. I have to wonder if my scale is accurate or not. (What I really need to do is bring it in, and do a direct comparison between it and the 'official' one.)

Of course, I also need to stay off the damn thing most of the day, so I won't drive myself even crazier than I normally am.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I need to stop doing this to myself

The beatings will continue until morale improves. The problem is I'm the one beating myself up. Over something that hasn't happened yet. I haven't even weighed in tomorrow, and I'm already knocking myself about the head and shoulders (metaphorically or course, stay with me here) for it. Friday night I had too much beer, bourbon, wings, onion rings, chips and even a few fries. But when I worked out on Saturday things looked really good. But I was out of points and Sunday I went over, and then again yesterday I didn't work out (I made plenty of excuses), and once again grabbed that handful of pretzel thins (after going to the chinese buffet, where I tried to be reasonably good, but did it really matter?).

This morning, my home scale showed me up 4 lbs! I haven't done that bad since I went on vacation and didn't even attempt the diet or exercise for 10 days.

Part of me doesn't want to weigh in this week - I get so demoralized when I'm up. I did go and do an hour on the elliptical today, and will do an hour tomorrow before weigh in. So I'll try to pound in some water - drinking a lot of water always seems to make a big difference (and getting up to pee in the middle of the night usually means I'm down more in the morning as well).

But why do keep doing this to myself? I just am so caught up in that one number, and that should not define who I am or how well I'm doing. It needs to be about how my clothes are fitting (down 8 inches in my waist size, and those are a little loose as well; most of my shirts just kind of hang on me); how I look (apparently good, as I keep getting comments about how much I've lost (one guy at the gym today was saying how I looked thinner every time he sees me)) (no comments from the peanut gallery about my looks either - I reserve those to myself); how I feel (pretty good actually).


Thursday, August 02, 2007

The Incredible Shrinking Man

Down 3.0 lbs this week, which isn't too bad :-). Got two more gold stars - a 5 lb one and my 6th big one (for 70 lbs down). Total of 70.6 now.

I'm having self-images issues again. I see the numbers, but I can't translate them to anything. Last night, after my workout, for giggles, I picked up two 35 lb dumbells. *SHIT* No way. No fricking way! I can't grok it. They were heavy as hell. I just can see where I was carrying that around all the time. Sure, Diane said that it is a bit different when it is all over vs. picking it up off the ground - but still.

It was interesting - I had a woman at the Body Shop (which is the workout facility here at work - everything is named after 'car' stuff) comment on how much better I looked lately - and I can't remember if I had ever talked to her before - and barely even remember seeing her. I guess that is pretty cool as well.

So when does this quit being a big deal anyway? Or should it ever?