over analyzing

Trying to kick my brain into the right gear.

Weighed in last night - down 2.0 to 195.4. Good, and right in line with what I should be doing. However I still feel a little disappointed that it wasn't more to make up for last week. That and immediately after being sick I was down close to 5 at home. It is weird (to me at least), but at home I seem to weigh the least on Monday and Friday mornings - and the most on Wednesdays - which is weigh in day of course.

My ideal weigh in would be Friday morning first thing - get up, go work out for an hour, then go weigh in.

Now I realize that it doesn't matter. Changing the date or time or routine for WI only hides a tiny bit, and that only temporarily. Taking off my PDA, iPod, cell phone and keys doesn't make me lose 6" from my pants. (God did that not sound the way I meant). 6" from my waist. And according to Oprah, when I hit 70 lbs lost I'll actually have gained 2" in my pants, but that is something entirely different! :-)

I'm slightly frustrated that this is taking sooo long - I wanted to do the 2/week the whole way through - which would put me at goal in a month - but right now I'm 12 lbs short of doing that, with 22.6 lbs to go. But then I have to ask myself why it matters? The answers aren't what I originally expected.

1) To actually do it. Accomplish the goal. That is good.
2) To be done with this whole thing, so I can eat what I want again. Uh-oh.

It is that second one that I realize scares me. Because I can't ever go back to what I was doing before, or I'll go back to what I was before. That is really the hard part for me to really get into my head - getting past the feeling that this is temporary and will end.

There are things I just won't be eating again. Hamburgers. Especially fast food. I haven't been to McDonald's (for myself at least - we did the get boys breakfast there last week - I didn't get anything - but I do miss Sausage McMuffin w/ egg) since August. Most of the time (with the previous exception) I don't want or miss it - it seems more that it bothers me that I don't miss it. I miss missing it.

We used to hit KFC about every week. I loved it. I haven't had it in months. Almost did last night, but decided to get Long John Silver's instead - and that was a big conflict for a while as well. (I was good - only ate half the fries, half the cole-slaw, didn't eat the hush puppies (I don't really care for dry fried dough) or the crunchies (harder to resist) but I did use up all my AP.) But I don't seem to want it as much. In fact, I'm probably bugging everyone else, because my preference for going out anymore is Subway - and I always get the same thing (which just happens to be 14.5 pts). I just too easily get into a rut of what I know - which is boring to some but makes the diet that much easier.

I talked with Diane about this the other day. I guess what I really want is to not have food be so central to my life - where I'm not always planning or counting or thinking about food. Just be able to eat right on auto-pilot - or at least not have it so central to everything.

So - trying to actually switch gears, at least for the next eight hours - and try to think about work all day at work - for once.