Thursday, September 27, 2007

Getting so damn close

A good weigh in last night - down 2.2. That hit the 80 lbs dead on the nose. Got my 7th gold star. I did ask about the goal, and it comes down to a range - between 145 and 172 - so I have .8 lbs to go to goal - I'm at 172.8. I have to be 172 or under. I still may try to get a little less, I still dont' like this gut all that much, though it is far less than it was.

I have to admit, I did the liquid all day yesterday, because I didn't like the scale in the morning at home - it was 176.4. This morning it was 175.0. I find the fluctuations very, VERY frustrating. Which is why I'm going to go on a bit beyond my goal (not much mind you), but just so that even with the fluctuations things look good. I'd also like it to this good at the dr when I can't remove absolutely everything from my pockets, shoes, etc.

The best news is that I'm not longer morbidly obese. I'm no longer obese. I'm no longer overweight. I'm no longer fat (though that is not an official category). My BMI is now 24.8 - which is the normal range.

So try to stay on track for the next week, and plan to hit goal next week. Eventually figure out maintenance, and hit lifetime with weight watchers, and KEEP IT!!!! Plus once I hit goal then I do need some new pants (and probably undewear) - most of mine are 4" too big in the waist, and the best are still 2" too much.

At one point I had my goal at under 200, 38" waist. I'm down to a 34", and 172.8 right now. I do have to dig out my 44" pants to see just how big they are, for fun.

Thursday, September 20, 2007


Any change results in stress. (Well, except for my favorite definition of stress : The confusion caused by the mind overriding the body's basic desire to choke the living s### out of somebody who desperately needs it.) Even good changes cause stress.

What happens though, when we avoid making the changes to avoid the stress (along with the fear of the unknown)? I've found that in most cases, it makes things worse, not better.

This isn't my first blog. The first one I did was on my web site, and was lost when earthlink screwed up and de-activated my account, wiping it out. One of the first entries I had done there was about the impact that my son crossing over from cub scouts had on me - more so the fact that I was his cub scout den leader for four years, and then suddenly wasn't. It was hard for me. I enjoyed working with the boys, and I enjoyed the fellowship of the other leaders.

The proper thing to do is to accept the change, and move on with it. I didn't. I didn't want the good feelings I got to end. So I stuck with the pack. I stayed on the pack committee, I stayed as the advancement chairman, I stayed as the pack webmaster. That was almost three years ago.

Looking back, staying on was a mistake. I was trying to keep something, and that wasn't going to happen. The first year was ok, going to the committee meetings and the occassional pack meeting, doing the work, tracking the information. Then another blue and gold rolled around, and more of the adults and kids I knew left. Like I should have done, but didn't. I missed them, but they new to move on with their lives.

The next year wasn't so good. There was no joy in it anymore for me. I did the work, because I said I would. I prepared for it to end (I had to rehost the website away from my personal space, so that someone else could take it over. I didn't do it right, as I still own the space, but it is not my personal space (it is now hosted by but it will be easier to move it once the current hosting plan expires).

I was staying on for one person, but eventually I realized that I couldn't do it for her anymore. I had lost everything that made it worthwhile to me. I didn't know any of the kids anymore - all the ones I knew had moved on. I barely knew any of the adults, and honestly, some of the new ones I didn't like. At the blue & gold last year, I worked my butt off to help serve and clean up (and ended up sick as a dog afterward - though I hope it wasn't related) being the very last one to eat - and by the time I did a lot of the food was gone (there was no chicken left at all). But the hardest part was my son and I had no place for us - we were outsiders. I should have been at a leader table, but there was none. Almost nobody there knew who we were. And I never feel more alone than I do in a crowd where I don't know anybody.

It is interesting to me to see how it had gone from something I had so enjoyed, to a source of pain. Not only did I not belong, but afterward, I found that I no longer cared.

So close to three years after I should have left, I finally did. It was hard acknowledging the fact that I no longer had the time or inclination to help out. I've found time is an interesting thing - you can always find the time for those things you care about, and can never find the time for those things you don't. Looking at emails that I had not done anything about for four months made me realize it was time to move on.

So I'm no longer associated with Cub Scout Pack 840 out of West Carrollton Ohio. I have a bag of stuff to give the cubmaster, and once I give that to her, then I won't have much to do with them except add an occassional email address (since I made the godaddy account under my name), until that expires, when they can host it somewhere else.

I tried to avoid the discomfort of leaving, only to create much more, deeper, and worse discomfort for myself. The last year with the pack was not enjoyable for me at all, and now that it is done all I feel is relief and thankfulness. Much the same way as when my grandmother died after many years in a nursing home, unable to remember anybody (including her own daughter, my mother). Any grief I had over that was long gone, sucked up by the pain of watching her linger on, the pain in my mother's face of not having her own mother know who she was, so that when she finally did die, it was a relief. So with this, it is a relief.

This is a pattern in my life. My first marriage was the same way. There is a very good chance I'm living the pattern again right now in my current job as well.

I'm down another pound this week. This also has me thinking a bit. My stated goal weight is 172. However what does it mean to hit that - is it 172.8 (total of 80 lbs lost)? That rounds to 173. Is it 172.4 - when it rounds to 172? Is it 172.0? Or should it be 167 (which is the high point for my real height - I used to say I was 5' 11" - but measuring myself without shoes there is no way - I'm lucky to be 5' 10"). Then there is also the idea of getting down another 25 lbs - get a gold ring and new magnet - hit that magic 100 lb mark (though getting to 152 doesn't seem realistic to me).
What I'm hoping is to get real close, then blow past my goal weight (ideally that would be 2 lbs next week, then more than a pound the week after, or even a little slower - the idea of hitting my goal on my birthday is kind of appealing for some reason).

Thursday, September 13, 2007

a bit frustrated

Down .2. And I thought I had a good week. It is very frustrating to me to be close to a goal, and it seems to get that much harder the closer you get.

A lot of other crap going on, wth work and the boosters, but I can't talk about it in public.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Still not so good

So my brain has stopped turning to snot, and is now instead draining down my throat, causing me to cough a lot. I still don't feel very good, but slightly better. At least I seem to be able to breathe again.

I was up .2 last night - *sigh*. Of course, I get up this morning and on my home scale I'm down a pound. So just keep plugging. It is a bit more challenging being so close to goal however. One thing - I can't remember seeing anybody in my Wednesday night session make goal or lifetime. I have to wonder how rare that really is. I know I am now in the 'results not typical' category - but then that isn't the way I feel.

I guess it feels to me like if I can do it, then anybody can do it. I know it isn't easy - heck everybody will have setbacks (if I didn't have a few then I would have been at goal two months ago), but you just keep going. This is the same thing that makes me wonder why my daughter is having so many problems trying to work her program.

I'm not a Nike fan, but the idea of "Just Do It!" has always been part of me. Sometimes it is hard, and sometimes even harder to get started, but the key is to just do what you have to do. Sure there are excuses, but that is all they are, not obstacles.

Ok, time to crawl back in my hole now.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Feeling crappy

We went to a really fun party on Saturday. It was client of Diane's who has since become her friend (she is like that - always getting very personable with everyone - which makes up for my complete and utter lack of any personality :-) ).

We had way too much really good food, way way too much really good drink, and went swimming outside (for me) the only time this summer.

Since then I've felt like crap. Sunday was expected, but I'm still all stuffed up, and my brain is slowing morphing into phlegm and trying to slip quietly out of my nose - and doing everything it can to prevent me from actually getting a breath while it does this.

I don't know if it was something in the pool, going in the second time after dark when it was only about 70 outside (too cool to really be swimming), my lowered resistance due to the overabundance of alcohol, or just a coincidence.

Of course it doesn't help that I've had to work on the band booster taxes all weekend either (and boy does that suck the big one). Quite a bit more difficult than personal taxes. I guess this is what I get for trying to be the treasurer when I'm a simple programmer instead of a friggin number crunching account. I do find it humorous that I changed the way I track things in the budget after the first year because I wanted to see things a bit clearer - and find that I need that to do the taxes. Of course trying to go back a year and retro-fit it is just about impossible. *ARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!*