Shadow of my former self

That is how my wife described me as I stepped out of the shower this morning, referring (I believe) to my weight loss. (Otherwise it isn't nearly as positive a comment, but being male, I will take it as intended, not in the worst possible way that it could be).

I (finally) put away my 44 pants - after officially losing 37 lbs they just hang on me, and are uncomfortable now because my belt bunches them so much to keep them up. Today I pulled out some older 42's - and they are loose. In addition, they aren't the stretchy ones that I've been buying for so long. I may actually be able to get into my old 40's, though I haven't tried quite yet.

When I look in a mirror, it is an improvement. My BMI still shows that I'm obese (at 30), but it is down from 35 that is was. I'm close to just being overweight, which is good.

My point is (and yes, for once I do have a point, aside from the one on my head) that I still don't feel like I've done much. When I look down I still only see a fat, flabby belly. It never was quite so big that I had "dickeydo" disease (you know, where your belly sticks out further than your dickey do) but I still feel fat. Not uncomfortable, that went away fairly quickly, and my snoring and sleep apnea are pretty much gone, but still I just don't feel like I've done much.

Maybe it's a low self-esteem thing, I don't know. It sure seems that I've never really liked my body; either I was too skinny as a kid, or too fat as an adult. I can't really imagine what it will be like to be under 200 lbs - even though I was very close four years ago.

Also, why is it so much harder now that I have more points to eat each day? It should be easier, but I find that I'm struggling more now that I remember doing before. Is it because I've relaxed a bit from what I did (having baked potato chips (technically they are potato crisps, not chips) with lunch that I wouldn't allow myself before)? I feel like I'm obsessed with this, and yet the program seems to encourage it. Food and exercise are constantly on my mind it seems - planning on my next meal, if I can have a snack and what it will be, what I can eat for dinner, worrying on the days I can't get any exercise. Is that healthy?

Is that one of the changes after hitting my goal, which is 43 lbs away? (I figure 80 is a good, round figure, and puts me a pounds inside of my goal range, so that if I gain a little I'm not instantly back to being fat. And it is the original top of the old program range as well). I shouldn't have to constantly be worrying and tracking everything.

I think part of it was gaining so much last week - that has really bothered me. Before even my bad weeks I lost. I think I'm headed for a good week, but then at this time last week I thought so as well. But they say the scale never lies, so we will see on Wednesday.

Now, on a completely unrelated note: I need to find the time to do some writing - not just this blog stuff, or even my life story, which I also need to work on, but I've just had some thoughts that I'd like to explore more in depth, and I'm not sure how to even begin. Maybe this is the place, I don't know. I'm not even sure how to go about exploring philosophy. But it has been itching at the back of my skull for quite some time. I guess the main idea I want to explore, so that I will understand it more, is "Why are the things we define/recognize as 'Good' always the difficult ones, while the 'Evil/Bad/Selfish' actions are so easy?"