A good weigh in last night - down 2.2. That hit the 80 lbs dead on the nose. Got my 7th gold star. I did ask about the goal, and it comes down to a range - between 145 and 172 - so I have .8 lbs to go to goal - I'm at 172.8. I have to be 172 or under. I still may try to get a little less, I still dont' like this gut all that much, though it is far less than it was.
I have to admit, I did the liquid all day yesterday, because I didn't like the scale in the morning at home - it was 176.4. This morning it was 175.0. I find the fluctuations very, VERY frustrating. Which is why I'm going to go on a bit beyond my goal (not much mind you), but just so that even with the fluctuations things look good. I'd also like it to this good at the dr when I can't remove absolutely everything from my pockets, shoes, etc.
The best news is that I'm not longer morbidly obese. I'm no longer obese. I'm no longer overweight. I'm no longer fat (though that is not an official category). My BMI is now 24.8 - which is the normal range.
So try to stay on track for the next week, and plan to hit goal next week. Eventually figure out maintenance, and hit lifetime with weight watchers, and KEEP IT!!!! Plus once I hit goal then I do need some new pants (and probably undewear) - most of mine are 4" too big in the waist, and the best are still 2" too much.
At one point I had my goal at under 200, 38" waist. I'm down to a 34", and 172.8 right now. I do have to dig out my 44" pants to see just how big they are, for fun.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Transitions
Any change results in stress. (Well, except for my favorite definition of stress : The confusion caused by the mind overriding the body's basic desire to choke the living s### out of somebody who desperately needs it.) Even good changes cause stress.
What happens though, when we avoid making the changes to avoid the stress (along with the fear of the unknown)? I've found that in most cases, it makes things worse, not better.
This isn't my first blog. The first one I did was on my web site, and was lost when earthlink screwed up and de-activated my account, wiping it out. One of the first entries I had done there was about the impact that my son crossing over from cub scouts had on me - more so the fact that I was his cub scout den leader for four years, and then suddenly wasn't. It was hard for me. I enjoyed working with the boys, and I enjoyed the fellowship of the other leaders.
The proper thing to do is to accept the change, and move on with it. I didn't. I didn't want the good feelings I got to end. So I stuck with the pack. I stayed on the pack committee, I stayed as the advancement chairman, I stayed as the pack webmaster. That was almost three years ago.
Looking back, staying on was a mistake. I was trying to keep something, and that wasn't going to happen. The first year was ok, going to the committee meetings and the occassional pack meeting, doing the work, tracking the information. Then another blue and gold rolled around, and more of the adults and kids I knew left. Like I should have done, but didn't. I missed them, but they new to move on with their lives.
The next year wasn't so good. There was no joy in it anymore for me. I did the work, because I said I would. I prepared for it to end (I had to rehost the website away from my personal space, so that someone else could take it over. I didn't do it right, as I still own the space, but it is not my personal space (it is now hosted by godaddy.com) but it will be easier to move it once the current hosting plan expires).
I was staying on for one person, but eventually I realized that I couldn't do it for her anymore. I had lost everything that made it worthwhile to me. I didn't know any of the kids anymore - all the ones I knew had moved on. I barely knew any of the adults, and honestly, some of the new ones I didn't like. At the blue & gold last year, I worked my butt off to help serve and clean up (and ended up sick as a dog afterward - though I hope it wasn't related) being the very last one to eat - and by the time I did a lot of the food was gone (there was no chicken left at all). But the hardest part was my son and I had no place for us - we were outsiders. I should have been at a leader table, but there was none. Almost nobody there knew who we were. And I never feel more alone than I do in a crowd where I don't know anybody.
It is interesting to me to see how it had gone from something I had so enjoyed, to a source of pain. Not only did I not belong, but afterward, I found that I no longer cared.
So close to three years after I should have left, I finally did. It was hard acknowledging the fact that I no longer had the time or inclination to help out. I've found time is an interesting thing - you can always find the time for those things you care about, and can never find the time for those things you don't. Looking at emails that I had not done anything about for four months made me realize it was time to move on.
So I'm no longer associated with Cub Scout Pack 840 out of West Carrollton Ohio. I have a bag of stuff to give the cubmaster, and once I give that to her, then I won't have much to do with them except add an occassional email address (since I made the godaddy account under my name), until that expires, when they can host it somewhere else.
I tried to avoid the discomfort of leaving, only to create much more, deeper, and worse discomfort for myself. The last year with the pack was not enjoyable for me at all, and now that it is done all I feel is relief and thankfulness. Much the same way as when my grandmother died after many years in a nursing home, unable to remember anybody (including her own daughter, my mother). Any grief I had over that was long gone, sucked up by the pain of watching her linger on, the pain in my mother's face of not having her own mother know who she was, so that when she finally did die, it was a relief. So with this, it is a relief.
This is a pattern in my life. My first marriage was the same way. There is a very good chance I'm living the pattern again right now in my current job as well.
-----
I'm down another pound this week. This also has me thinking a bit. My stated goal weight is 172. However what does it mean to hit that - is it 172.8 (total of 80 lbs lost)? That rounds to 173. Is it 172.4 - when it rounds to 172? Is it 172.0? Or should it be 167 (which is the high point for my real height - I used to say I was 5' 11" - but measuring myself without shoes there is no way - I'm lucky to be 5' 10"). Then there is also the idea of getting down another 25 lbs - get a gold ring and new magnet - hit that magic 100 lb mark (though getting to 152 doesn't seem realistic to me).
What I'm hoping is to get real close, then blow past my goal weight (ideally that would be 2 lbs next week, then more than a pound the week after, or even a little slower - the idea of hitting my goal on my birthday is kind of appealing for some reason).
What happens though, when we avoid making the changes to avoid the stress (along with the fear of the unknown)? I've found that in most cases, it makes things worse, not better.
This isn't my first blog. The first one I did was on my web site, and was lost when earthlink screwed up and de-activated my account, wiping it out. One of the first entries I had done there was about the impact that my son crossing over from cub scouts had on me - more so the fact that I was his cub scout den leader for four years, and then suddenly wasn't. It was hard for me. I enjoyed working with the boys, and I enjoyed the fellowship of the other leaders.
The proper thing to do is to accept the change, and move on with it. I didn't. I didn't want the good feelings I got to end. So I stuck with the pack. I stayed on the pack committee, I stayed as the advancement chairman, I stayed as the pack webmaster. That was almost three years ago.
Looking back, staying on was a mistake. I was trying to keep something, and that wasn't going to happen. The first year was ok, going to the committee meetings and the occassional pack meeting, doing the work, tracking the information. Then another blue and gold rolled around, and more of the adults and kids I knew left. Like I should have done, but didn't. I missed them, but they new to move on with their lives.
The next year wasn't so good. There was no joy in it anymore for me. I did the work, because I said I would. I prepared for it to end (I had to rehost the website away from my personal space, so that someone else could take it over. I didn't do it right, as I still own the space, but it is not my personal space (it is now hosted by godaddy.com) but it will be easier to move it once the current hosting plan expires).
I was staying on for one person, but eventually I realized that I couldn't do it for her anymore. I had lost everything that made it worthwhile to me. I didn't know any of the kids anymore - all the ones I knew had moved on. I barely knew any of the adults, and honestly, some of the new ones I didn't like. At the blue & gold last year, I worked my butt off to help serve and clean up (and ended up sick as a dog afterward - though I hope it wasn't related) being the very last one to eat - and by the time I did a lot of the food was gone (there was no chicken left at all). But the hardest part was my son and I had no place for us - we were outsiders. I should have been at a leader table, but there was none. Almost nobody there knew who we were. And I never feel more alone than I do in a crowd where I don't know anybody.
It is interesting to me to see how it had gone from something I had so enjoyed, to a source of pain. Not only did I not belong, but afterward, I found that I no longer cared.
So close to three years after I should have left, I finally did. It was hard acknowledging the fact that I no longer had the time or inclination to help out. I've found time is an interesting thing - you can always find the time for those things you care about, and can never find the time for those things you don't. Looking at emails that I had not done anything about for four months made me realize it was time to move on.
So I'm no longer associated with Cub Scout Pack 840 out of West Carrollton Ohio. I have a bag of stuff to give the cubmaster, and once I give that to her, then I won't have much to do with them except add an occassional email address (since I made the godaddy account under my name), until that expires, when they can host it somewhere else.
I tried to avoid the discomfort of leaving, only to create much more, deeper, and worse discomfort for myself. The last year with the pack was not enjoyable for me at all, and now that it is done all I feel is relief and thankfulness. Much the same way as when my grandmother died after many years in a nursing home, unable to remember anybody (including her own daughter, my mother). Any grief I had over that was long gone, sucked up by the pain of watching her linger on, the pain in my mother's face of not having her own mother know who she was, so that when she finally did die, it was a relief. So with this, it is a relief.
This is a pattern in my life. My first marriage was the same way. There is a very good chance I'm living the pattern again right now in my current job as well.
-----
I'm down another pound this week. This also has me thinking a bit. My stated goal weight is 172. However what does it mean to hit that - is it 172.8 (total of 80 lbs lost)? That rounds to 173. Is it 172.4 - when it rounds to 172? Is it 172.0? Or should it be 167 (which is the high point for my real height - I used to say I was 5' 11" - but measuring myself without shoes there is no way - I'm lucky to be 5' 10"). Then there is also the idea of getting down another 25 lbs - get a gold ring and new magnet - hit that magic 100 lb mark (though getting to 152 doesn't seem realistic to me).
What I'm hoping is to get real close, then blow past my goal weight (ideally that would be 2 lbs next week, then more than a pound the week after, or even a little slower - the idea of hitting my goal on my birthday is kind of appealing for some reason).
Thursday, September 13, 2007
a bit frustrated
Down .2. And I thought I had a good week. It is very frustrating to me to be close to a goal, and it seems to get that much harder the closer you get.
A lot of other crap going on, wth work and the boosters, but I can't talk about it in public.
A lot of other crap going on, wth work and the boosters, but I can't talk about it in public.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Still not so good
So my brain has stopped turning to snot, and is now instead draining down my throat, causing me to cough a lot. I still don't feel very good, but slightly better. At least I seem to be able to breathe again.
I was up .2 last night - *sigh*. Of course, I get up this morning and on my home scale I'm down a pound. So just keep plugging. It is a bit more challenging being so close to goal however. One thing - I can't remember seeing anybody in my Wednesday night session make goal or lifetime. I have to wonder how rare that really is. I know I am now in the 'results not typical' category - but then that isn't the way I feel.
I guess it feels to me like if I can do it, then anybody can do it. I know it isn't easy - heck everybody will have setbacks (if I didn't have a few then I would have been at goal two months ago), but you just keep going. This is the same thing that makes me wonder why my daughter is having so many problems trying to work her program.
I'm not a Nike fan, but the idea of "Just Do It!" has always been part of me. Sometimes it is hard, and sometimes even harder to get started, but the key is to just do what you have to do. Sure there are excuses, but that is all they are, not obstacles.
Ok, time to crawl back in my hole now.
I was up .2 last night - *sigh*. Of course, I get up this morning and on my home scale I'm down a pound. So just keep plugging. It is a bit more challenging being so close to goal however. One thing - I can't remember seeing anybody in my Wednesday night session make goal or lifetime. I have to wonder how rare that really is. I know I am now in the 'results not typical' category - but then that isn't the way I feel.
I guess it feels to me like if I can do it, then anybody can do it. I know it isn't easy - heck everybody will have setbacks (if I didn't have a few then I would have been at goal two months ago), but you just keep going. This is the same thing that makes me wonder why my daughter is having so many problems trying to work her program.
I'm not a Nike fan, but the idea of "Just Do It!" has always been part of me. Sometimes it is hard, and sometimes even harder to get started, but the key is to just do what you have to do. Sure there are excuses, but that is all they are, not obstacles.
Ok, time to crawl back in my hole now.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Feeling crappy
We went to a really fun party on Saturday. It was client of Diane's who has since become her friend (she is like that - always getting very personable with everyone - which makes up for my complete and utter lack of any personality :-) ).
We had way too much really good food, way way too much really good drink, and went swimming outside (for me) the only time this summer.
Since then I've felt like crap. Sunday was expected, but I'm still all stuffed up, and my brain is slowing morphing into phlegm and trying to slip quietly out of my nose - and doing everything it can to prevent me from actually getting a breath while it does this.
I don't know if it was something in the pool, going in the second time after dark when it was only about 70 outside (too cool to really be swimming), my lowered resistance due to the overabundance of alcohol, or just a coincidence.
Of course it doesn't help that I've had to work on the band booster taxes all weekend either (and boy does that suck the big one). Quite a bit more difficult than personal taxes. I guess this is what I get for trying to be the treasurer when I'm a simple programmer instead of a friggin number crunching account. I do find it humorous that I changed the way I track things in the budget after the first year because I wanted to see things a bit clearer - and find that I need that to do the taxes. Of course trying to go back a year and retro-fit it is just about impossible. *ARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!*
We had way too much really good food, way way too much really good drink, and went swimming outside (for me) the only time this summer.
Since then I've felt like crap. Sunday was expected, but I'm still all stuffed up, and my brain is slowing morphing into phlegm and trying to slip quietly out of my nose - and doing everything it can to prevent me from actually getting a breath while it does this.
I don't know if it was something in the pool, going in the second time after dark when it was only about 70 outside (too cool to really be swimming), my lowered resistance due to the overabundance of alcohol, or just a coincidence.
Of course it doesn't help that I've had to work on the band booster taxes all weekend either (and boy does that suck the big one). Quite a bit more difficult than personal taxes. I guess this is what I get for trying to be the treasurer when I'm a simple programmer instead of a friggin number crunching account. I do find it humorous that I changed the way I track things in the budget after the first year because I wanted to see things a bit clearer - and find that I need that to do the taxes. Of course trying to go back a year and retro-fit it is just about impossible. *ARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!*
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Good Weigh-in this week
Better than I expected, for once. Down 3.8 - to 176.0. So I zoomed past the 75 lbs mark to 76.8. That actually puts me in spitting distance of my goal weight - kind of hard to imagine for me. I got a 75 lb magnet, plus they have started giving these rings for the key chain every 25 lbs, so I got the pewter for 25, bronze for 50 and silver for 75. In a way it makes me want to keep going just to get the gold one at 100 - but that is not realistic.
Nice to have something positive going on for once (see my other blog).
Nice to have something positive going on for once (see my other blog).
Monday, August 27, 2007
da blues
even da greys and da pinks.
I don't want to repeat myself, though my boys tell me that I do it anyway constantly.
A few years ago, I reluctantly admitted I had a problem. And no, it wasn't my weight, that took even longer to accept (and is causing it's own confusion, now that I've almost lost all of it). It was the fact that I had depression, and would have it for the rest of my life. It is a chronic condition, but it is not a constant one for me. I have various bouts, some much worse than others. I've found medication that helps when I get into a serious episode.
I don't like it when it happens. I don't like having to go on Welbutrin for six to nine months to get my head on straight. But I accept that it has helped in the past, and I will have to go on it again in the future.
The real question right now is, is it time? Last week was really rough, and it didn't take me too long to spot it. Feeling down, and having an extremely short temper. It it funny, but when I have an episode it isn't so much that I feel depressed, but that I seem to lose control of my emotions, especially the negative ones (i.e. anger, sadness, etc.)
I know I felt this a while back, and by the time I could get into the Dr. I was on an upswing again. I'm facing that now. Today is ok. I have a headache - but that is due to the guy working on the tile downstairs, and the constant hammering on the metal chisel for over three hours - that chink chink chink went right to my neck.
One thing I know I have to do is keep busy - if I'm doing something then I don't have time to sit and stew in my own juices (no matter how tender and succulent that makes me - but then the marbeling is going away as well - so does that mean I need to stew longer to be tender?) and brooding on it just makes it worse.
Exercise is supposed to be good for you - I don't know if it helps or not - I've been doing that pretty constant for months now.
For now I have to take it day by day / hour by hour and see.
I don't want to repeat myself, though my boys tell me that I do it anyway constantly.
A few years ago, I reluctantly admitted I had a problem. And no, it wasn't my weight, that took even longer to accept (and is causing it's own confusion, now that I've almost lost all of it). It was the fact that I had depression, and would have it for the rest of my life. It is a chronic condition, but it is not a constant one for me. I have various bouts, some much worse than others. I've found medication that helps when I get into a serious episode.
I don't like it when it happens. I don't like having to go on Welbutrin for six to nine months to get my head on straight. But I accept that it has helped in the past, and I will have to go on it again in the future.
The real question right now is, is it time? Last week was really rough, and it didn't take me too long to spot it. Feeling down, and having an extremely short temper. It it funny, but when I have an episode it isn't so much that I feel depressed, but that I seem to lose control of my emotions, especially the negative ones (i.e. anger, sadness, etc.)
I know I felt this a while back, and by the time I could get into the Dr. I was on an upswing again. I'm facing that now. Today is ok. I have a headache - but that is due to the guy working on the tile downstairs, and the constant hammering on the metal chisel for over three hours - that chink chink chink went right to my neck.
One thing I know I have to do is keep busy - if I'm doing something then I don't have time to sit and stew in my own juices (no matter how tender and succulent that makes me - but then the marbeling is going away as well - so does that mean I need to stew longer to be tender?) and brooding on it just makes it worse.
Exercise is supposed to be good for you - I don't know if it helps or not - I've been doing that pretty constant for months now.
For now I have to take it day by day / hour by hour and see.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
tic, tic, tic
Down a tic. Which makes it an even 73 lbs, to 179.8. 7 lbs to go. I was a bit disappointed, as I thought with all the walking at GenCon (something like 28 miles in 5 days) and working out each morning (an hour thr-sat, 45 minutes on sun) that I'd do a bit better (I lost 3 lbs over Origins), but then when I got back I wasn't quite so good again. But down is down.
Monday, August 20, 2007
GenCon
Had a good time at GenCon.
The highlight was winning the Warhammer tournament - my first full win. It was with my revamped Orc & Goblin army, and I think it was based on the strength of my painting / composition / theme / sportsmanship score, as I lost big time to the guy who got 'Best General' (he managed to get 51 out of 54 battle points, while I think I was more like 37 battle points (with a 2-1 record, including a big time loss to him).
I kind of enjoyed running events, though it sucked big time in the slots where no one showed up. I don't think I want to do 8:00 am slots again - they are just such a pain to get up and run (though they were the best attended - so what does that say?) And running 6 times in one day wasn't great either.
I think I'm dropping Confrontation however, even after all the time, effort and money I've invested in it. I just am not excited about the new direction the game and company are taking. It may play quicker and easier, and even be a better game. But the hobby is what I enjoy and want to spend my money on - because frankly I just don't get to play ANY games as much as I want - and they are now a game company, not a hobby company.
I don't know if I would part it the minis I have. I also don't know if I will finish painting them either. It seems a bit of a waste really.
What does concern me is the 'rumor' that GW is going pre-painted in the future as well. The source of this is a competitor however, and I just don't want to believe it.
I really enjoyed the response I got to my army this weekend. I'm excited about doing my new one, and the way people have responded when I talk about it. I kind of think it is a bit funny - I'd almost have preferred to win "Best Appearance / Painted" this past weekend - I really want to see the score breakdowns. I want to play, and have fun playing, but this is my creative outlet.
*sigh*
The highlight was winning the Warhammer tournament - my first full win. It was with my revamped Orc & Goblin army, and I think it was based on the strength of my painting / composition / theme / sportsmanship score, as I lost big time to the guy who got 'Best General' (he managed to get 51 out of 54 battle points, while I think I was more like 37 battle points (with a 2-1 record, including a big time loss to him).
I kind of enjoyed running events, though it sucked big time in the slots where no one showed up. I don't think I want to do 8:00 am slots again - they are just such a pain to get up and run (though they were the best attended - so what does that say?) And running 6 times in one day wasn't great either.
I think I'm dropping Confrontation however, even after all the time, effort and money I've invested in it. I just am not excited about the new direction the game and company are taking. It may play quicker and easier, and even be a better game. But the hobby is what I enjoy and want to spend my money on - because frankly I just don't get to play ANY games as much as I want - and they are now a game company, not a hobby company.
I don't know if I would part it the minis I have. I also don't know if I will finish painting them either. It seems a bit of a waste really.
What does concern me is the 'rumor' that GW is going pre-painted in the future as well. The source of this is a competitor however, and I just don't want to believe it.
I really enjoyed the response I got to my army this weekend. I'm excited about doing my new one, and the way people have responded when I talk about it. I kind of think it is a bit funny - I'd almost have preferred to win "Best Appearance / Painted" this past weekend - I really want to see the score breakdowns. I want to play, and have fun playing, but this is my creative outlet.
*sigh*
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
losing, and gaining
Down 1.2 to a total of 72.8 this week to 180.0. My goal is still 172 (172.8 will be an even 80 lbs for me). So things are looking good. I leave this afternoon to head up to GenCon - a big gaming convention in Indianapolis - and I'll be walking my butt off (hopefully) there - I sure did at Origins in July, so next week should be good.
This is getting a bit more challenging as I get closer to goal - just the idea of geting that close is pretty daunting in a way.
In a more humorous note, Diane says that Dr. Oz is definitely right, and she was/is extremely pleased. For that reader who is confused, check out the Oprah Winfrey archives. *Warning - this is only for those who realize that we are human beings (often difficult to picture for parents, scout leaders, adults, etc.) (i.e. I know my kids read this occasionally - so research that reference at your own risk :-) ).
This is getting a bit more challenging as I get closer to goal - just the idea of geting that close is pretty daunting in a way.
In a more humorous note, Diane says that Dr. Oz is definitely right, and she was/is extremely pleased. For that reader who is confused, check out the Oprah Winfrey archives. *Warning - this is only for those who realize that we are human beings (often difficult to picture for parents, scout leaders, adults, etc.) (i.e. I know my kids read this occasionally - so research that reference at your own risk :-) ).
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