Who am I?

Something has been rattling around in the emptiness of the maze within my head lately, an the echoes are simply incredible.

Everyone, within their own mind, holds their self image. This is who they see when they close their eyes, how they view themselves. It is a bit disturbing when this starts to change unexpectedly.

It took me a while to bring my own self image back into reality. Even when I turned 40, in my head I was still just out of college. It took me twenty years to become Mr. Carter - that simply wasn't who I saw myself as. Then the other pieces sunk in. Fat. Balding. What hair isn't falling out is turning grey. Middle aged. Has bouts of depression (and on a side note, why do I feel so much better this week, after making the appointment to get drugs next week?). Loves to play games. Is good at abstract / board games. Is mediocre at war / miniature games. Is a decent miniature painter, and can produce good table top quality minatures. Is a husband and father.

One of the longest things was getting past that I was a 28" waist when I graduated high school. That was close to 25 years ago. I was skinny growing up. But once I graduated high school, all exercise I was getting in marching band was done for good. And I drank more beer. It is real easy to blame beer on the fact that I kept eating like I did in high school.

I can't recall, as an adult, when I was under 200 lbs. I remember sometime in the past being concerned that I was over 200 - but not when. I've been there for so long, it is part of me. But that is changing.

Weigh in yesterday - down 2 lbs. This puts me at 200.6 . If I have a good week I'll shatter that barrier next week - but even without that it is coming down and soon. And I'm having problems with it.

One of my goals was to get in 38" pants. I thought that was reasonable. Well I'm there. And right now, they aren't even tight. Not like my old ones, but not tight. They will be loose soon. And then I'll have to buy some more. Part of me is thinking I shouldn't have bought the shorts, as I won't be wearing them.

As I lost the 52.2 lbs so far (27.8 to go!) (that is also a scary thought) I moved backward through my closet, pulling out the older pants that I used to wear. I was in 38" five years ago, right before I had my gall bladder out. But I'll be in 36" soon, and maybe even less. I can't picture myself like that.

I bought three new workout shirts, size large. They are loose, which is good, I don't like tight shirts when I work out. Diane also suggest I buy a new polo shirt. I wore it yesterday. No big deal - except that it was a Medium size, and it fit. Not really even tight around the belly. Medium shirt doesn't fit my self image - and the thought of possibly going to a Men's small - that frightens me.

I'm not a big guy, and am even less so now that I've become the incredible shrinking man. My shoe size is 7 1/2 - almost the smallest they make in Mens - and I have small feet for a man. Small enough so that I can do the 'impossible'. There is an exercise you can do to show the difference between men and women. Stand against a wall, facing it. Take 4 steps back, toe to heel. (I think it is 4, it could be 5, I don't remember exactly.) Lean forward, so your head is against the wall you will feel you balance shift so the wall is supporting you. Have someone put a chair below you. Reach down - women can lift it easily - men can't lift it all. It has to do with balance, center of gravity and weight distribution. Women's center of gravity is lower, so they can get the leverage to lift the chair. Men's is higher - they can't do it.

We did this at scout camp. None of the boys could lift the chair without cheating. None of the leaders could. Except for me. I could. It was difficult. Very, very difficult. And not because the chair was heavy. If I moved an inch or two back I could not do it. But because my feet are so small (dare I say, like a woman's feet) then I wasn't far enough from the wall to completely throw my balance off - very close but not quite there.

So I'm not a big guy, and won't be at all when I'm no longer fat. But wearing a Men's small shirt? And what size pants will I end up in - 36? 34? 32?

I won't give up on the program. I'll buy new clothes. I'll even buy the correct sizes. But changing how I see myself - and recognizing that person in the mirror - that is getting much, much harder than doing this diet.