starting to slip - time to put on some brakes

I haven't been posting much lately, and that bothers me because I hate to lose my reader due to not having anything to read. And if I lose that one, who knows when I'll get another, and I worked hard to get that one!

There is a reason, and I'm just starting to admit it.

For all my adult life, and probably even as a teenager, I've had to deal with depression. It isn't a constant thing, but it is something I have become aware of. If I think back, I can remember a couple of times in college where it hit me, but I didn't realize it at the time. It wasn't until we first moved to Ohio about 18 years ago that I was diagnosed the first time. The doctor put me on Prozac, and I turned into an absolute zombie. I won't do that ever again.

Many years later I tried Welbutrin, and that did a good job for me. I don't like taking it, but there are times when I realize that I need it. The good thing is that I have gotten to the point where I can recognize the need for it before it gets too far advanced.

I don't know what triggers the episodes. I have never actually tried to track them. I know I was on Welbutrin during my divorce, which started ten years ago. I've been on and off it a few times since - usually for about six to nine months will do the trick.

I'm almost out of thyroid pills (for low thyroid, a condition fairly rare in men (much more common in women) that both of my sisters and I all inherited from our mother). (Of course when I was diagnosed with it, the doctor asked if there were any family history, to which I replied no, because I'd never heard about it. Well it turns out my mom had been taking the pills since my oldest sister was born. The unfortunate thing is that both my sisters have it much worse than I do, probably because they were diagnosed later in life (like 4 and 10 years) than I was, giving their thyroid that much more time to wear out. At least I'm aware this is something that can be passed down, so I'll remind all the kids to have it checked regularly).

So I've got a dr. appt for next monday, to get more Thyroid pills, check my cholesterol (I quit taking the pills for that when I ran out - but I have done the 'weight loss and diet' that he had been harping on me about for quite some time, plus taking fish oil twice a day), and I'll get a new prescription for 'happy pills' as well.

I wouldn't mind these so much, if there were some actual physical symptoms to this. I wish there were a blood test or something to measure the chemicals in your brain, or anything. But as it is, this is something that doesn't seem physical at all to me. It all seems mental and emotional and that is so very hard to admit that I have a problem there. As much as times change, there is still a stigma toward any type of mental and emotional disorders.

Unless, of course, you are famous. I could always shave my head, flash my crotch and go into rehab like Brittany Spears followed by the paparazzi - or just take care of my problems like a responsible adult.