Not giving myself credit

For as long as I can remember, I have had a very hard time giving myself credit for my accomplishments. I am very bad about accepting compliments - trying to blow them off by saying "it was nothing" or "no big deal".

I believe part of it stems from my first marriage, where my wife would get accuse me of bragging any time I talked about doing anything right, or any accomplishments (unless they were accompanied by money, which she would always and gladly accept). But even now, 9 years after that marriage ended, 3 1/2 years into my second, much (MUCH MUCH) better marriage, I still have a hard time accepting praise.

Take my annual performance appraisal at work (or the annual beating and I like to call it). No matter how well it goes, I always seem to nearly completely ignore any of the good things, and focus only on the bad. Had a great year, but need to work on this one item - and boom, that is all I hear - work on this one item.

And so it is now. As of yesterday I've lost 48 lbs (down to 205.8). That is actually pretty significant. But I can't seem to give myself much credit for it. Sure, if I have another good week I'll get my 4th gold star on my ribbon next week. I've had many people complement me on it - and had fun with one woman who kept trying to figure out what was different since she had last seen me (haircut? beard?).

One thing that was said at weight watchers last night that made me think a little bit though, was to take all the weight you had lost, put it in a bag, and carry it around for a while. Last week I picked up a bag of water softner salt for the driveway and front walk. If I remember correctly, it was a 50 lb bag. Then I go and check the web - it was a 40 lb bag. Still, it was heavy. I have a hard time grasping that I used to weigh that much more - that I was carrying that around ALL THE TIME.

So what have I noticed? I'm sleeping better, and snoring less. I can actually sleep on my stomach now, and it doesn't hurt my back, which it used to all the time. In fact, between the weight loss and going to the chiropractor once a month, my back really doesn't hurt at all. I don't get winded (FINALLY) going up a flight of stairs. I think my appetite has finally gone down a bit - lately I find that I'm eating better, and not wanting the 'bad' foods. I'm having an apple or air-popped popcorn or weight watchers ice cream for a snack at night, instead of chips or a couple of bowls of cereal. I don't think I'm usually getting my five servings of fruit and vegetables a day, but I'm doing better, and drinking more water (at least during the week. It is much harder to drink water on the weekends, especially when I'm doing something (at work I can get up and pee every hour if I have to - can't do that in a lot of other places)). My man-boobs went way down, and while they aren't completely gone, they are reduced enough that there isn't that fold of skin that gets all sweaty (makes me feel sorry for women a little). I can wear 40 inch waist pants, not the stretchy ones, comfortably. In fact, I had to put away all my 44's - they were uncomfortably too big, and the 42's are getting that way. Not quite ready for 38's yet, and looking to the future, I'll probably have to go out and buy 36's by the time I'm done. I'm not comfortable in a Large size shirt, instead of XL. The sleep shorts I bought a few months ago now hang on me - I need to get more of those (yes, they have drawstrings, but I don't like them, I like the elastic to hold them up (because I'm too lazy to want to have to untie them to take them off)).

I figure I have 32 lbs to go. 60% of the way there, in 6 months. If I could keep pace, that would put me at goal in another 4 months - the end of June. I should be in pretty good shape by the time our last keys comes around - a major goal for me. (This has to do with Focus and becoming a Key Holder - something that happens both times, and I didn't like a portion of the results at Focus, so I don't want it to be the same when I become a Key Holder. Yes that is cryptic, but I don't want to break the confidentiality of the seminars).

So I guess this post is my own little pat on the back. I done good. It wasn't nothing. I will keep at it.