Well crap

Up .2 lbs yesterday. Damn. I so hate being up, even a tiny bit. And it really hit me, because I was so fixated on hitting the big 50 this week. Figure it must have been last weekend. If in doubt, don't tyr and fudge it - just accept the higher numbers.

So we went and had chineese food - that was probably bad, and I have no honest way to count the points, so I just guessed a lot (35) for the meal. Of course got up this morning and I was even higher than my weigh in.

It does seem that when I really get my hopes up is when I blow it more. I really need to step back, work it, and not worry about individual numbers. That is hard though - it is so easy to get caught up in watching the scale.

So time to Stop. Look. Choose. Declare. Step Left.

This whole things makes me a bit philosophical as well. In so much literature, hope is put forth as the one thing that keeps people going. It was the one thing Pandora kept in her box.

I've wondered about that. Why was there one good thing in that box, or is hope in fact another evil in the world? Isn't is hope that keeps us from accepting a given situation, and by not accepting it, preventing us from changing it? Isn't is much more painful to have your hopes crushed than to not have them at all?

Maybe it is a bit more of a zen thing for me - it is much better to live and be in the moment. It seems that when you start to hope then you open up yourself to more disappointment and pain. Accept your current situation, whatever it may be. Don't hope for anything.

This doesn't mean you don't work to make things better if you want. That is entirely different. Hope seems to be this unfounded desire without anything behind it. Work for what you want, make the changes you need. Don't hope for them - do them. It is like hope is giving up control of your destiny, when in reality we are always in control of our lives - we are always accountable for our decisions, whether we choose to acknowledge that fact or not.

Each person chooses the results they have in their life. The only question is are we making those choices consciously, and are we accountable for them, or are we doing them unconsciously? What are the results we are seeing.

So back to talking about my fat butt. Yes, I have lot 47.8 lbs. And I will lose at least another 32.2 lbs. I will continue to work the program. And when I make mistakes, when I choose to not follow the program, I accept that these are my choices and be accountable for them. I will not let them deter me from my ultimate goal.