da blues

even da greys and da pinks.

I don't want to repeat myself, though my boys tell me that I do it anyway constantly.

A few years ago, I reluctantly admitted I had a problem. And no, it wasn't my weight, that took even longer to accept (and is causing it's own confusion, now that I've almost lost all of it). It was the fact that I had depression, and would have it for the rest of my life. It is a chronic condition, but it is not a constant one for me. I have various bouts, some much worse than others. I've found medication that helps when I get into a serious episode.

I don't like it when it happens. I don't like having to go on Welbutrin for six to nine months to get my head on straight. But I accept that it has helped in the past, and I will have to go on it again in the future.

The real question right now is, is it time? Last week was really rough, and it didn't take me too long to spot it. Feeling down, and having an extremely short temper. It it funny, but when I have an episode it isn't so much that I feel depressed, but that I seem to lose control of my emotions, especially the negative ones (i.e. anger, sadness, etc.)

I know I felt this a while back, and by the time I could get into the Dr. I was on an upswing again. I'm facing that now. Today is ok. I have a headache - but that is due to the guy working on the tile downstairs, and the constant hammering on the metal chisel for over three hours - that chink chink chink went right to my neck.

One thing I know I have to do is keep busy - if I'm doing something then I don't have time to sit and stew in my own juices (no matter how tender and succulent that makes me - but then the marbeling is going away as well - so does that mean I need to stew longer to be tender?) and brooding on it just makes it worse.

Exercise is supposed to be good for you - I don't know if it helps or not - I've been doing that pretty constant for months now.

For now I have to take it day by day / hour by hour and see.