Adjustments

Well, two weeks into the new job, things are going ok. The first week was really good - this week was ok. Somebody wrote a quote from Einstein on one of the white boards -"If we knew what we were doing they wouldn't call it research." I am never very comfortable in the ignorant mode - even when I'm working at eliminating it. It will be a while yet, but I'll eventually figure out what it is I'm doing and be comfortable with the work.

P, my ex boss, is working there - and he said to expect it to take a couple of months before the whole thing really sinks in - and you quit expecting all the bad stuff that I've lived with for the past twenty years.

To me, I just keep drawing parallels to my divorce. The whole shock of it happening, the grief over the loss, even of something bad. The struggle to get on with life. Now having a good, permanent job is like getting married again - still trying to feel it all out.

What I am really wondering is when I'lll finally, truly be able to let go. It has been over five months now - when can I stop feeling hurt about it, and get to the point where it doesn't matter any more.

I did it with my ex-wife. In fact, I sometimes find it humorous that Diane currently has more (negative, but more) feelings about my ex-wife than I do. I have truly put it aside - what she does and what she did no longer matter - I refuse to give her even the little bit of caring enough to dislike or even hate her. Hate takes way too much energy - and she isn't worth that to me.

Unfortunately I'm not there with Reynolds. I'm not where I don't care, even though I want to be.