Thanksgiving is over . . .

and now it is time for Christmas. And there was much rejoicing. yeah.

I just am not in the holiday mood. I don't know if it is just the holidays, since that seems to be a pretty depressing time of year for alot of folks, or that it seems that so often unhappy things happen then, or I just notice it more.

Thinking back, I haven't enjoyed Christmas for the past 10 years, and this one doesn't look good. And even before that there were a few bad ones. Going to Floriday when Jon was almost two, and having to explain to him why Santa Claus hadn't come yet when he woke up (because his grandfather (his mother's father) wanted to do it, even though we weren't staying with him (we were in a hotel), and when we got there that morning, they still were asleep). And then having peanut butter sandwiches for Christmas dinner (their big dinner was the night before, which was a Columbian chicken/rice dish - whoop dee doo).

Then the one in 1997, before I was kicked out of the house. The one where the wife took the two younger boys down to Florida with her. That was rough. Then the next year, when she had them in New Mexico, and I got to see them for a few hours a few days before Christmas (in nine months that was all I saw them, until I got custody). We took a bus to MN for Christmas that year, which broke down outside of St. Paul, then we got snowed in and stuck in Chicago on the way back. Memorable, but not fun.

Several Christmases where all the kids were at their mothers, and I was up in MN with Diane (before we were married). Those were also hard, not being with any of my family. I can really understand why Diane gets a bit blue on the day now that she is in Ohio for it.

Then the year we sent Katie to the school, and the boys saw their mom for the last time (we currently have had no contact with her for two years, and don't know where she is or have any way to find her). That was really rough.

And now being unemployed for five weeks, and nothing yet in site. I haven't been real thankful this year. I got a notice from the unemployment office that they had matched me with a job - that scares me a bit because I don't know what it is at all - but if I refuse it then I could lose what benefits I get. I'm really concerned that it is like an entry level something - way less than what I need to make to pay the bills.

That is kind of funny, as I don't have the money to pay the bills now. Medical bills for Diane's back surgery are just sitting there for the time being. One of the student loans for Katie's school is in forebearance. And I just keep watching the last of the savings dwindle away.

One thing I did not anticipate is having to switch banks. I had been with the Credit Union for almost as long as I'd been an employee - something like 17 years. But it isn't convienient anymore, and even the thought of going there is a bit painful, since it is at Reynolds. I'd really rather not go back there at all if I don't have to. So that is a bit of a pain.

Diane is helping out tremendously. She has had several closings - all going into the new account so that when the old one runs dry I can then switch - and she should get the second Oak Point one this month, so I hope we are good until next year - though the prospect of Christmas is just filling me with dread.

One thing I have always enjoyed was giving presents - and I know I overspend every year. But this year that isn't an option. I dread spending anything, because I know there is nothing coming in to replace it. Four years ago when it was just Diane and I here for Christmas it was a lot like that - the boys present was the trip to their mothers - and we said we weren't getting each other anything because money was so tight then. It was so depressing seeing a christmas tree with no presents under it. And that is what I fear again.

Diane found some good bargains Friday, and got a few things. I'll have to actually go and get a few myself, and try not to feel guilty about spending the money.

I don't even like leaving the house any more - I feel like I'm wasting money just on gas going anywhere that isn't trying to get a job.

Everyone that I have talked to that used to be at Reynolds says it is so much better not being there. My old boss was canned in August, and got a job at the beginning of November after 9 weeks. He seemed to be doing much better than I feel during that time however - even saying he almost regretted ending his 'retirement' to have to go back to work. For me however I am even more stressed than I was at Reynolds (and I thought that would be difficult to do). I keep telling myself it will be better, and I do believe that is true - but only once I get another job that I like. Until then it is hard, and not getting easier. And hearing that this is the worst time of year to be looking, along with the crappy economy, doesn't make me feel any better.