Maybe I'm just numb

With everything going on with my daughter, maybe it has just made me numb to everything else. Or maybe I have finally just started to give up and quit caring, I'm not really sure.

I was off work the middle of last week - so I missed the live company monthly meeting. Not a big deal really. The company actually films it and puts up streaming video of it on the internal network. Maybe not being there made it easier to swallow, again I'm not sure.

They have started an 'Employee of the Month' here. I have no idea at all, and even less now, as to what the qualifications for this are, or how it is chosen.

For my faithful reader (you know who you are, sitting there alone at your computer by yourself), you will remember the chief monkey that made my life a living hell through May? The one that was so utterly and completely inept at it's job. Guess who got Employee of the Month for that project? The one that was the worst cluster-f**k I have ever been involved in, and that they had to bring in a director at the end (who I seem to remember running the actual cutover, not the monkey) to get it finished. Who managed to be so incompentent that a minor database issue caused our production to be down for over 13 hours (it should have been resolved in less than an hour with little to no impact).

Yep - Employee of the Month. (Oh, and it comes with a $1000 check as well).

I guess it was my last entry, thinking of a Monkey F*****g a Basketball. I guess it hasn't been a basketball that the monkey has been F*****g.

I really need to find another job, or a maybe just need to drink more. Lots more.

Like a Monkey F****** a Basketball

I don't know where I first heard that expression. I guess it isn't as common as I thought. But boy is sure seems to fit lately.

I haven't talked about the monkeys for a while. But they are back. Ok, they never went away, but things weren't so bad as they were in April and May.

My biggest issue was with one in particular - this monkey was in charge of this project, and did the worst job running a project I have ever seen. Like a Monkey F****** - well you know. So what happened - they promoted the monkey to supervisor. And the monkey became the DBA resource for our group.

In June we had a big fire drill with the database - and the monkey once more proved it's absolute and utter incompetence.

So I talk to the sub-monkeys today, and find out that this monkey was just made their boss. Now instead of having to work with the monkey on a single project, it will be nearly every day.

OMFG!!!

It is getting harder and harder to tell myself everyday why I should keep this job. I am really worried with the economy in the tank however about changing jobs - being the newest hired is never a comfortable postition, plus giving up vacation etc. And I'll hit my 17 year anniversary here at the end of the month.

ARGH!!!!!

Fat Family

Yesterday started off good - 197.8 in the morning, but then quickly spiralled out of control. A pretty bad day at work, a bad call with Katie, didn't work out - going out to lunch instead, pitcher of margaritas (shared with Diane). Yeah - so 199 this morning. But still down from last week. I have to remember to take it a bit at a time. Basically used up most if not all my extra points yesterday, which I didn't want to do, because I always need them on the weekend.

However Matt and I have 5 lawns to mow on Saturday, and I can always use that workout, so maybe things won't be so bad.

Travelling next week, and that is always challenging.

One thing we need to do is get the whole family eating better and exercising more - the younger boys both need it possibly more than I did. I needed to lose 80 at my heaviest - one of the boys currently needs to lose 100 lbs, and I don't think he is the worst in the family. Plus his cholesterol is really bad as well.

I really have only been focusing on myself, and getting the boys what they want from the grocery store - but we need to go through and change it for everyone. I do nearly all the cooking, and have changed a few things, but need to just do it completely. Things like pot pies, pizza rolls and ice cream simply need to not be bought. I would do things like make hamburgers, but have a boca myself. Well the boys need it as much as I do.

Now to get them out of the basement . . .

Intimidation

WTF?!? Two posts in one day? And right after each other? Well, I didn't really think that this fit with the other one, so I started another.

I have noticed a pattern in my life that I need to change, though I'm not sure how yet.

Ever since I first met my wife, I noticed that when she is presented with new things in her work life, she is extremely intimidated by them. This usually manifests itself a big bout of self doubt and crying, with me comforting her and telling her that she can do it - which of course she does.

I hadn't realized it before, but I do the same thing, but in just about all aspects of my life. I don't cry, I just procrastinate. I put it off. Like going back on the WW program (see my previous post). Or working on the teddy bears for my Grateful Undead army. Or learning .net for work.

So the question is, now that I've recognized this - how to I change it? How do I get over my own fear, which is so often not based in reality at all.

And in typing this, I hear the words and know the answer - though it isn't easy. I've done it, I know what to do. No No Pig. And with Katie coming home in two weeks, I guess I do need to review all my seminar material.

I guess I deserve it

Ok, WW@work was supposed (ah, and with that one word the entire element of surprise is shot, and everyone can now see where this is heading) today, but apparently they didn't get enough interest and cancelled.

Me, I figured it was the first weigh in, time to start over, take advantage of it. Eat like a pig last night, event stopped at McD's for breakfast (why can I easily pass they by any other time of the day?). And didn't bring in my workout clothes, because the meeting was at lunch.

So now I'm back on my own. However I did it once, I can do it again. one thing I am going to do is recommit to you, dear reader (and you know who you both of you are!) here again.

I'm fat. I wasn't fat for a couple of months last year, but I'm fat again. I worked my butt off (aren't I cute with the puns?) for over a year, lost 83 lbs, and then went and put over 30 back on in six fricking months. It isn't like I didn't notice it - but I never committed myself to do something about it. Just bought a slightly bigger belt - and it isn't big enough - need at least a 38 if not a 40. My pants are all tight - though I still have some fat pants to swap back out again, but the 34's are no where in site (well, maybe under this big belly!).

For now I will try this on my own - at least if I make myself accountable here it will help. I started today at 202.4.

I just have to get over the dislike of measuring and counting every thing that goes into this gaping maw in the front of my face.

Life, or something like it.

I haven't been posting lately - shame on me.

Work sucks - what else is new. It's not like it is called "Happy Fun Time" after all.

Weight sucks - yes, I'm admiting I've put back on 30 lbs, and not mentioned it. Time to get my fat ass back into WW - they are doing an 'at work' one here starting Wednesday at lunch - which would mean skipping my workout for the day ( or doing it before work - which is very hard). I haven't signed up yet (that would be Wednesday) but I really need to - to get me back on track. I have to get this back under control - if not on goal, but at least 20 lbs down (I really need to be under 180). This morning I was 199.8, which has been pretty good for me lately. One thing that doing a weekly meeting will do is set a specific point each week - so that it gives me a chance to mark my progress then start again, instead of constantly worrying every day.