Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass?

Yes, I have watched South Park.  And now that I'm 50 Cartman's quote from the first episode just seems to be feeling more appropriate.  Routine checkup last week, which meant a referral to a specialist.  Yes, I get the joy of having a camera stuck up where the sun doesn't shine just to take a look and see what is going on up there.

Of course a colonoscopy requires anesthesia, so it is a day off work (though I'm thinking that even on the worst day at my current job I'd rather be working).  But really, it is ok because I really REALLY wouldn't want to be awake for something like this anyway.  My doctor did say it is just a mile anesthesia, if I wanted to I could try to stay awake - but that just isn't on option I want to even consider.

It is actually two weeks away, but I can't stop thinking about it.  I have to avoid Olestra for a week before hand - but the whole warning about "anal seepage" has steered me clear of that forever.   Really, I may be fat but that doesn't mean I want to crap my pants to get thinner.  Then there comes the low fiber diet for a few days, with a liquid diet the day before.  Then comes the "preparation" - basically high powered laxatives (and it just seemed fitting to me that the SNL 40th special had the "Colon Blow" commercial on).  Really looking forward to getting up at 2 am to give my ass the dry heaves.

But what is really intriguing me how does a doctor end up choosing this as their specialty?  Brain surgeon - that is cool.  Obstetrician is another cool one - delivering babies.  I can even see some people that want to be podiatrists - we have all heard of people with a foot fetish, and it beats being a shoe salesman.  But proctologist?  Is this the guy who lost the lottery?  Or is he the last one in his class?  Did he get there late and nothing else was left?  Does anybody really go into medical school thinking "I want to specialize in looking up people's asses all day every day for the rest of my life!".  Now some of us end up in that virtual position. (makes me think of my previous job (I love the one I have now) because there were a lot of people there who actually seemed to spend every day with their heads up their asses).  Some jobs are about as much fun as being up someones butt.  But really choosing this?

Granted it is an effective screening and preventative for colon cancer, and I can see any doctor wanting to help prevent cancer in their patients.  But sticking a camera up peoples butts and then watching it on TV (and does your colon look ten pounds bigger on TV?) just doesn't seem to be the best career option.  Now honestly I haven't even met the doctor yet, and I assume that she (which is actually worse, having a man or woman look up your butt) is very smart and competent, and did great on all her exams in medical school.  And it is a "Digestive" specialty center - so she probably gets to look down peoples throats on occasion as well, which can make it better.

A few years ago, my wife had to go in for an Upper and Lower GI screening - which is putting cameras down your throat and up your butt.  I told her to make sure they did the Upper GI FIRST, and you don't want to piss off that doctor!  Make them mad and when you wake up they'll ask how it tasted smartass!  (Oh, and you know what the difference is between and Oral and Anal thermometer?  The taste!).

So I'm not really worried, but I just had to get some of these jokes out.   And I figure I don't ALWAYS have to bitch here.  (I actually started a happy blog about my gaming hobby (not gambling, or video games - but actual physical games you have to have another person to play with, most involve miniatures.  Because it's all fun and games Until Somebody Loses An Eye.

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